Two Brief Thoughts On The 2016 Presidential Election

And now back to our regularly-scheduled programming.

The Answer is Die Antwoord

Forgive me if I'm late to the party, but just recently I was exposed to the videos of South African group "Die Antwoord". With a bizarre mix of hip-hop and rave music, Die Antwoord has some of the weirdest and outlandish music videos that I've seen in a great while (perhaps since Aphex Twin's "Come to Daddy").

AMG tells me that members Ninja and Yolandi are merely conceptual artists, and I'm glad to hear that because their videos look like they come out of some sort of post-apocalyptic heroin-infused hell. Take a gander at these three videos:

Baby's on Fire is perhaps their tamest video, but still weird.


Cookie Thumper gets a little stranger...


And then there's Fatty Boom Boom. Featuring a Lady Gaga impersonator wearing the infamous meat dress  and Yolandi in blackface, this video is just all kinds of bizarre, including Gaga visiting a gynecologist with some unexpected results (one conceptual artist taking a swipe at another?). If you're going to watch one of Die Antwoord's videos, watch this one. Then be glad that you don't do meth or heroin.

"The trailer is like a comedy sketch parodying 'horse films' "

So there's this movie coming out called "War Horse" directed by Steven Spielberg. You may have heard of him, but have you seen the trailer? It's gotta win the award for hokiest looking piece of schmaltzy Oscar-bait drama I've ever seen. It's just completely unreal. The first time the trailer came on TV me and the wife totally thought we were being set up for a joke, half expecting Jim Carrey to pop out with a reveal for Ace Ventura 3. It would at least be more appropriate.

I delved into the dangerous waters of the IMDB message boards to see if anyone else agreed with me and I came back with the title of this post, ripped straight from a thread made by someone else with a bit of sense. I mean, C'MON, this has got to be parody, right, right?!?

There's just too many awful cliches to count. Luckily, someone on IMDB started counting for me:

- The girl standing up in her car dumbfounded at a horse walking past her like it's the first creature of it's kind to ever walk on earth.
- The single teardrop trailing down the girls face.
- "That's my 'orse!"
- The general sepia tone.
- That shot of the countryside.
- A STEVEN SPIELBERG FILM and the rest of them embarrassing title cards.

I'll add quickly:

- Includes the 'untameable horse' cliche.
- Gratuitous glamor shots of a horse riding in some idyllic countryside.
- Includes British people fighting in war to give everything more gravitas.
- Old man/Werner Herzog lookalike spouting off old-timey wisdom.

By the time the words "This Christmas" appear near the end I just can't take it anymore and double, nay, triple over in laughing. "Stop it, stop it!", I say like when you're being tickled and you can't breathe anymore. It's just SO bad that it's HILARIOUS. The sad part though is that I found more than one thread on IMDB with people saying the trailer brought them to tears. These must be the same people who shop at Wal-Mart and get excited to see Shrek 7: Back in the Shrek. I, for one, will not be seeing this movie, no matter how much praise it may get. Also - HORSES!

Gettin' Down on Friday

Just in case you haven't seen it yet, the newest Internet sensation, the so-called "Worst Song Ever". Make sure you stick around for the break that includes perhaps the most astute observation of the sequence of the weekend ever.

Stray observations:
-Rebecca Black is only 13, according to newest child-safety recommendations Rebecca should still be sitting in the back seat.

-Why is the black guy driving in a sports car rapping about a barely-pubescent girl? Kind of creepy, no?

-His rap must qualify as the most unnecessary rap ever.

-If this same guy is driving so fast in the fast lane then how the hell is a school bus passing him by?

-If you go to the official Youtube page you can literally watch the 'dislike' bar rack up new hits in real time.

-I obviously must have too much time on my hands if I'm bothering to write about this phenomenon at all.

More Crappy Slate Over-Analysis!

Aaah Slate, how you constantly pull me in with your headlines promising some new bit of knowledge or insightful analysis only to leave me scratching my head in confusion.

Take the recent Slate attention grabber "How I learned to love Katy Perry". Katy Perry, for those who don't know, if a fame-grabbing attention-whore Zoey Deschanel look-alike 'singer' with such notable hits as ur so gay and California Gurls. Also, the A.V. Club has a thing they push where they say she sounds like a dying frog. Ok, so you get my general impression of her. Visiting friends down in Southern California this past weekend (including LE's older brother Big E) I noticed that many people had the same opinion of Katy Perry.

So when I saw this headline I was intrigued. What was it, anything, that could make someone appreciate Katy Perry? What new insight could they offer? Well, in typical Slate fashion I was met with: A -an article that wasn't actually about Katy Perry specifically, but part of the larger Music Club series in which the segment concerning Katy Perry is just a few paragraphs, and B - a bunch of over-analysis gobblety gook.

To the evidence! Ahem:

"You think I'm pretty without any makeup on," Perry whispers incredulously in the first line of "Teenage Dream," her voice leaning slightly stunned against a latticework-privacy-fence of kick drum. The plucked way Perry sings the lyric—as if what she's saying is just impossible—says so much about how far we all feel we've strayed from our genuine selves. That line is the most important one to make the Top 10 this year, I think: its tragic nostalgia, playing out the new version of the hard-soft dynamic that made 1990s alt-rock so shocking—yeah, that Nirvana sound—except now what this jarring contrast expresses is a woman finding her power, a woman not knowing if that power is going to cost her everything and certainly not whether it will be worth it, instead of a boy-man like Kurt Cobain getting in touch with his feminine side.

If someone can explain to me how one's voice leans against a latticework privacy fence of kick drum, please give me a call.

We Are The World, But Who The Hell Are These People?

Seriously folks, does anyone know who the hell these people are? And how the hell did they get Michael Jackson to appear?? (which coincidentally might be the only decent part of the whole song, too bad it was the part recorded 25 years ago) And they let Lil Wayne use Autotune? WTF is going on? All I know is that Jamie Foxx really wants you to care.

Herr Zrbo: Professional Reviewer?

Folks, I just might be famous now. How famous? Internet famous. In one of my classes we're currently learning some advanced Google commands. One Google command, [link:], shows all the other websites that link to that site. Naturally I wanted to see if anyone was following the ol' blog here, when I discovered just how famous I am. I stumbled across the site musicfolio.com where to my surprise they've quoted my review of VNV Nation's Reformation 01 as if I were some actual respected authority. Oh yes folks, as they say on the internet i am teh famous. Don't believe me? Check it out right here (about 3/4 down the page). Eat your heart out Erlewine.

Best of 2009: The Videos

So here we are, we've made it to the end of another year (and another decade, but we can save that for a later post). I thought I'd kick off the Cosmic American's look back at the year with a look at some of the funnier clips you may have missed.

First up is the Literal Video Version of Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart. Literal Videos take a music video (preferably from the 80s) and change the lyrics to match what we're seeing in the video. Just watch the above version and you'll get what I mean.

Next up is "Mall Kick". I originally saw this one on my new favorite show on Comedy Central "Tosh.0". It involves a European reality show where some guy is trying to throw a net over unsuspecting people in the mall - with the most unexpected (read: hilarious) results. I'll just let Daniel Tosh explain it:

Tosh.0
Breakdown - Mall Kick
www.comedycentral.com
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

Let's not forget the drunk guy buying beer:

Or the Talking Kitty (or Lizard if you prefer):

Ah, 2009! What a year. Not only did we get all these amazing videos above, but we covered some right here at the Cosmic American, such as that awful guy singing or the Muppets doing Bohemian Rhapsody. We also took a look at the Kanye West/Taylor Swift interruption moment and the countless parody videos. I learned the importance of not copying digital media. We had some good times with Jimmy Fallon, Brett Michaels, and a Cool Cat. And lastly, we saw just how cool Ron Howard was when we was up in the club. Thank you 2009 for all the crap you've given us.

Worst. Video. Ever.

Sorting through my mp3 collection recently I came across "We Built this City" by Starship (Jefferson?). I had a hazy recollection of the music video that went along with it so I fired up youtube and took a look. Boy, was I rewarded with a gem. Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we've found the Worst Music Video of All Time.

Before rushing to the Cosmic American to share my thoughts though, I did a little research. Conveniently, Wikipedia has a whole entry on the song, and it looks like others share the same opinion. In 2004 Blender magazine named it the worst song of all time with editor Craig Marks saying the song "seems to inspire the most virulent feelings of outrage. It purports to be anti-commercial but reeks of 80s corporate-rock commercialism."

Ok, but I'm really just talking about the video. It's just so bad. I mean, I grew up watching loads of MTV, and I remember lots of silly, poorly done videos. But this one is just so awful. Sure, the style of clothing has changed, and it's pretty obvious from the first few seconds of watching that the video is dated. But the 80s hair and stylings are the least of your worries once the video gets going.

First there's the montage of people's faces looking thoughtful and contemplative. Why are they looking so stern while lost in their innermost reflections? Why? Because they're all looking at the Lincoln Memorial of course! Now, I wasn't aware that Lincoln built this city, or country, on rock and roll. Actually, I'm pretty sure he didn't found much at all. And I'm damn 100% sure he didn't listen to rock and roll.

But then, what follows afterwards! I'm just going to call it folks, it's the MOST cringe-worthy moment in music video history of ALL TIME. As our oh-so-80s rebel protagonists look on in adoration at Lincoln, the statue comes to life, raises his fist, and sings the chorus! It's just so, so awful. Even in 1985 this scene must have been perceived as awful. Words can't honestly express how truly awful it is. Not only that but it's creepy as hell.

The video just proceeds to be awful from there on out. Grace Slick sings about corporations and how annoying it is that they're constantly changing their names (boohoo!), all set to the backdrop of... Vegas casinos?! I wonder if the band realized the irony in these lyrics, as Starship are well known for having changed their name multiple times. Then a bunch of people are running away from giant tumbling dice. Why? I guess those dice represent those pesky corporations and their pesky habit of changing their names.

Then there's the radio announcer part during the bridge. I think it's there to give some 'street-cred' to the band, but if you listen to what the announcer says it makes little sense. He starts with "looking out over the Golden Gate Bridge on another gorgeous sunny Saturday." Ok, that sounds pretty good. Then: "and I'm seeing that bumper-to-bumper traffic." Huh? If you're trying to get the the radio guy to hippen-up the song, do you really want him talking about bumper-to-bumper traffic? How about something like "and there's no traffic today!" My reaction to this part is something like "Bumper-bumper traffic?? Oh well, I'll just stay in today and let someone else build this city."

During the next sequence we see a montage of skyscrapers pop-up in the background as the band plays. Hey look, there's the Chrysler building! And the World Trade Center, soooo rock and roll!!

And that's pretty much it. The whole thing is just so bad that I can barely watch. The song was already bad enough, but then someone must have said "Hey, let's make an equally atrocious video!" And one last thing, just why is Marconi playing the mamba?

Zrbo Doesn't Survive the Layoffs

Well folks, my turn in everyone's favorite Holocaust poem has come. They finally came for me. It's true. Maybe it was all the time I spent writing on this blog during work, maybe it was not having any enthusiasm for the job, or maybe it's because my manager didn't know how to manage, but I have been officially let go. Time to go line up and get my bread and soup. Hey, at least they gave me some severance pay!

Eat Your Heart Out Elton

Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS is how you sing. None of this "Candle in the Wind" bull (how would it even stay lit?!?). We're talking straight from the heart, gut-wrenching (literally), soulfulness inspired by the Gospel. A tune? Don't need it. Words? Overrated. Autotune? Forget about it! I, for one, can't even make it all the way through this video - it's THAT moving. You could say it even brought me to tears... Enjoy.

Sleaze and Mourning in Las Vegas

Little Earl: So here's a city in the middle of the desert and there's a bar that's emitting mist from the ceiling. God bless America.

Zrbo: I saw Michael Jackson perform "Man in the Mirror" in front of hundreds of people today in the casino lobby. True story. And the worst part? I didn't have a camera, not even my cell phone. The city is going crazy here for Michael - his music is piping in through all available means, whether you're walking down the street or eating at a buffet. Giant megatrons display his picture with slogans such as "We remember you". I even saw some folks already sporting Michael RIP t-shirts. It's nuts.

Little Earl: So we're sitting here in the Imperial Palace Hotel watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. At one point during the monologue he starts a joke, grabs the cue card, says the joke is too dirty, and starts another joke. He and Cameron Diaz are screaming at each other about Mexican food. Also on TV are ads for Harry Reid's re-election and 1-800 numbers for debt reduction.

Zrbo: It's true. According to the commercial, Nevada has the highest foreclosure rate in the nation. Meanwhile, Fallon continues to amuse with his knack for coming up with strange situations to put his guests in. Right now he's trying to go for a world record by having Cameron Diaz sit in a hammock and loading it up with as many bunny rabbits as possible.

Little Earl: I don't understand why people bring their kids to Vegas. Where do the kids go when the parents sit down at the slot machines? Do they just walk around and dream about being old enough to gamble?

Zrbo: Last night Little Earl and I took Big Earl out for his bachelor party. At one point I had the pleasure of meeting a quite unattractive stripper from Serbia. I instantly had thoughts of the second season of The Wire, with all those Eastern European girls being smuggled in large shipping containers. I felt like I was contributing to human trafficking. I politely asked her to leave. Big Earl had a great time though. Little Earl didn't.

Little Earl: Well, it wasn't exactly my scene, but how many bachelor parties is my brother going to have anyway? Might as well indulge him this once. So - there's a casino that's a giant replica of an Egyptian pyramid, a casino that's a giant replica of the Eiffel Tower, a casino that's a giant replica of New York City. The only thing missing is a casino that's a giant replica of Las Vegas.

Zrbo: Well folks, I think that's it. It's pretty late, we're both exhausted from the constant heat and sensory onslaught of the constant BING BING BING of all the slot machines. Now we know we've hit rock bottom as we've been reduced to watching Last Call with Carson Daly. Well, peace out. Pray for Jacko.

An Amusement That Is Truly For The Birds

So the other day I'm on my lunch break, making my way towards a fine eating establishment (Chevy's), and I'm waiting at a traffic light. A man stands behind me, chuckles to himself, and then walks off. OK, that's cool, I sometimes chuckle to myself out loud in public every now and then. As I'm waiting for the light to change, I notice a larger-than-usual crowd standing on the corner directly diagonal from me. This crowd appears to be looking across the street, toward the block I am about to walk past, but I see nothing unusual myself so I ignore this information.

The light changes and I walk down this block. There isn't anyone else walking near me, but I think nothing of this. Suddenly, I feel a couple of brief stings on my head. Is someone dropping something onto me from above? The crowd across the street, as well as a smaller crowd right in front of me, bursts into laughter. I turn around and see a bird flying away. So apparently I have been pecked on the head by a bird. Ha ha. Very funny.

A slightly homeless-looking black man with a cane seems to be willing to explain to me what's going on. "There's a blackbird's nest right over there, they been attacking everybody who's walkin' by!"

"It was a bird?"

"There's a whole bunch of birds! They been attacking everybody who's walkin' by for three weeks!"

"So I'm not the only one who's been attacked?"

"Naw, there's people walkin' by all the time!"

So. This is what humanity has come to. People standing around on a street corner during their lunch breaks, laughing at people who are unwittingly being attacked by birds. Had anyone thought of calling a city service so that, you know, people would stop being attacked by birds? Had anyone thought to say, "Wait! Don't walk over there, birds will attack you?" Apparently that would have been expecting too much of our species. Instead, the office conversation on that block must go something like this: "Hey Frank, you wanna come down and laugh at people walking by that bird's nest?" "Sure Bill, just a minute."

Not finding this the most hysterical thing ever, though, I walk on. The homeless man starts shouting at me. "Hey sir, how 'bout a quarter? I did you a favor sir, explained to you what was goin' on, ain't that worth a quarter? Sir! Sir!"

So let me get this straight: not only are people standing around laughing at other people getting pecked on the head by birds, but there's a homeless guy who has concocted his own little "racket" where he stands around amongst the crowd that is watching people get pecked by birds, and then he pretends to care about the victims by explaining to these people why everybody's laughing, and then he asks for compensation for his "services"?

Well, my friends. I thought I had seen them all, but that is really a new one.

Let's Talk Swine Flu

Honestly I'm already sick of hearing about it, and I really wasn't intending to bring it up, but I came across this fascinating article talking about the origins of the current swine flu and how its outbreak can be attributed to terrible conditions at CAFOs (that's Confined Animal Feeding Operations for you non-aggies). The writer says that it shouldn't come as a surprise that an outbreak like this has happened, as the conditions in these CAFOs are so bad, and the health standards within the meat packing industry so low, that it was pretty much inevitable that something like this would occur.

The CAFO located near the epicentre of the outbreak is owned by Smithwick Foods, a U.S. company. Take this description found in the article, taken from a 2006 Rolling Stone article:

Smithfield’s pigs live by the hundreds or thousands in warehouse-like barns, in rows of wall-to-wall pens. Sows are artificially inseminated and fed and delivered of their piglets in cages so small they cannot turn around. Forty fully grown 250-pound male hogs often occupy a pen the size of a tiny apartment. They trample each other to death. There is no sunlight, straw, fresh air or earth. The floors are slatted to allow excrement to fall into a catchment pit under the pens, but many things besides excrement can wind up in the pits: afterbirths, piglets accidentally crushed by their mothers, old batteries, broken bottles of insecticide, antibiotic syringes, stillborn pigs — anything small enough to fit through the foot-wide pipes that drain the pits. The pipes remain closed until enough sewage accumulates in the pits to create good expulsion pressure; then the pipes are opened and everything bursts out into a large holding pond.

The temperature inside hog houses is often hotter than ninety degrees. The air, saturated almost to the point of precipitation with gases from shit and chemicals, can be lethal to the pigs. Enormous exhaust fans run twenty-four hours a day. The ventilation systems function like the ventilators of terminal patients: If they break down for any length of time, pigs start dying.

I realize that these conditions are probably like those found in almost any CAFO, not just those in Mexico, and I really don't want to sound like I'm from PETA, but that description if fucking disgusting. Personally I would find it hard to give up meat (especially pork), but descriptions like these make me wonder if my vegetarian girlfriend isn't onto something.

Ron Howard... In da Club???

This morning I was watching a little TV before heading off to work. Early morning is one of those rare times where MTV still shows actual music videos. Was my luck ever paid off. The screen informed me that a 'new, fresh video' was about to premiere. The video started. I could tell it was going to be one of those big budget hip-hop videos right from the start because it came complete with opening credits. It started with "Hype Williams presents". Then it cut to a bunch of cars rolling up as the credits played. It was a Jamie Foxx video. Ok, kind of weird. I guess he wants to be a singer now, but I guess I can deal with that, after all other young black actors have gone the same route.

The next person to roll up in a car was Samuel L. Jackson. Ok, I can see him in a video like this. Then Forrest Whitaker shows up. Ok, not who I would expect, but I guess so. Next up is Jake Gyllenhaal. Hmmm, getting a little strange. But maybe he's one of those young LA party types, roaming the clubs with Justin Timberlake. Still, pretty weird though.

But wait. There's one more car pulling up. Who is it, who else has been invited to this glamorous club full of easy, ravishing women? Why it's .... Ron Howard?!?

What... the... fuck???

Now, by this point I was absolutely certain this was a parody video. You see, the video that had played right before it was Eminem's new video, which parodied everything from Elvis to Rock Band. I thought for a second that maybe this was the second part to Eminem's video, a delightful satire on overblown "in the club" style hip-hop videos. But no, I was wrong. It was the real deal.

Earlier this week I thought I had already seen the weirdest video when I saw Ice T and Elmo playing a Wii game on Jimmy Fallon. But Jamie Foxx's video... well, you're just going to have to watch it for yourself.

Zrbo Survives the Layoffs

I knew something was wrong at work on Monday when I sent an e-mail to Theresa requesting a file, only to get a response from her manager saying that Theresa was no longer employed here. "That's odd" I thought, usually people tend to send out farewell e-mails when they move on from the patent firm I work at. Oh well, I guess she must have decided to leave and I just missed the message.

Yesterday I was walking over to get some coffee in the other building when I heard that nice girl from Office Services got axed not an hour before. Then I went to lunch with some colleagues and that's when I heard a whole slew of people had gotten fired and that a few more were on the way. You could see the panic level rise in everyone's faces. I was a bit nervous too because, you see, I didn't exactly get the best end-of-the-year report (I spend too much time on this blog I suppose). On our way back from lunch I saw Kirsten enjoying her lunch - I had just heard that she wasn't going to be around much longer either, though she didn't know that yet. By the end of the day her name was included in the HR director's e-mail of who had been cut.

The end of the day rolls round. Okay, "Thirty minutes to go" I tell myself. Then my manager calls all of us into her office. Uh-oh, this has never happened before! She tells us that the other database department just had a bunch of cuts and that they'd be merging with our database department starting Monday. And then we were dismissed... WHEW!!

Oh yes, I forgot to add - "When they came for the database department there was no one left to speak out for me"

Why Are People So Stupid?

Ok, this is really more of me ranting about some pet peeves I have, but everyday of my life I seem to encounter the stupidest people. Sometimes I'm tempted to directly confront these foolish fools to ask them the reasoning behind their actions. Now, I'm sure there's stuff I do that pisses people off, but sometimes it's hard not to think I'm the only sane person on this planet. Here's a few examples of what I'm talking about:

- This guy at my work cannot, for the life of him, park his car into a parking spot properly. Maybe he found a way to break the conditioning when he was learning to drive, but 4/5 days of the week I come into work this bozo has parked his car in such a way that he's taken up two parking spots. No, not just in a just-barely-over-the-line kind of way, I'm talking about lining the center of his car up with the white line so that he's equally taking up two whole spots. Who is this guy? Did he not get the memo on how to park, is it really that difficult to figure out??

- People who don't use their goddamned turn-signals. Like I'm supposed to have a psychic connection that you wanted to merge in front of me. It's even worse when they use their turn-signal and DON'T go the direction they're indicating. I got pulled over by a cop once when I was turning left at an intersection and the car coming in the opposite direction had his right turn signal on, so I foolishly presumed that he would turn, but instead he continued to go straight as I turned in front of him, honking at me like I was the one to blame. The cop, sitting at an angle where he couldn't see our turn signals, thought I had turned in front of the guy going straight without yielding first, and proceeded to pull me over. Please, when driving use your turn signal and use it properly!

- As I'm using the urinal at work to relieve myself another co-worker walks in and waits for me to finish up. I do so and flush the urinal. Then he walks over and flushes it again before commencing. Hey buddy, I just flushed it, did you not hear the big whoosh sound it made? Or is your pee some Dalai-Lama holy water that needs to be placed in a properly cleaned receptacle? It's just piss you idiot, I didn't even need to flush the urinal since I knew you were behind me, but I did it out of courtesy. So collectively we just wasted a few gallons of water and you know there ain't much water around these days?

- People who claim that global warming/evolution/the Holocaust aren't real. Ok, for the first two items I can understand that we probably don't yet fully understand everything about how global warming works and whose responsible, or if darwinism is entirely correct, but to just flat-out deny thousands of scientists by calling their work "junk science" is just idiotic to me. Like you know any better than these guys because your spidey-sense tells you so. As for the third item, go back to I'm-not-really-an-anti-semite!-ville idiot.

(I apologize for my vitriol today, it must be the water or something)

PORN!!! ...in the workplace

Yesterday I read this article online about the increasing rise of viewing porn in the workplace. That's right, watching porno in your cubicle/office/breakroom while on the clock. According to Nielsen Online the number of employees who view porn in the workplace has increased to 25%, up from 23% last year. That means one quarter of your workmates are watching porn, probably viewing a delicious bum or tit RIGHT NOW!

Why is this so? According to the article, people are looking for an escape, or maybe their bosses are just so busy managing a workplace in a crumbling economy that they just don't have enough time to devote to their employees anymore. Also, the rise of youtube-like porn sites makes it easier than ever to watch a little porno on the side. According to some expert they interviewed (who's probably watching porn right now):

"Managers are dealing with so many issues right now that sometimes people are able to hide out and no one knows what they're doing." But a larger factor is the evolving sense—not universally shared—that porn is no big deal. "You're looking at a younger consumer who has grown up with pornography being out there in the pop culture."

I don't know about you, but when I'm surfing the internet at work I'm generally reading videogame blogs, allmusic.com, google news, or browsing wikipedia entries.

Dongs away!

I Almost Want To Go See Beverly Hills Chihuahua Now

Excerpts from Josh Levin's review of Beverly Hills Chihuahua in Slate:

Indulgent parents and animal lovers, steel yourselves for pooches done up in couture outfits (who is the canine Edith Head, I wonder?), quadrupedally modified one-liners ("Talk to the paw!"), and a plot that's like a succession of "Yo quiero Taco Bell" commercials minus the fast-food come-on.

Drew Barrymore nails the rich-bitch inflection of pampered lap dog Chloe, making barked-out commands like "I have a mani-pedi at 11 and you have to make my waffles" sound just as grating and odious as they read on the page. It's Barrymore's pleading voice that makes Chloe's downward spiral upon getting lost in Mexico—her diamond-encrusted Harry Winston collar gets stolen, and she's forced to sleep in a cardboard box under a park bench and fight off a pack of strays for a discarded churro—actually amusing at times. Andy Garcia, too, brings depth and pathos to the role of a jaded ex-police dog—his character, the German shepherd Delgado, has the best movie-animal flashback since the chimp Elijah in Being John Malkovich­—and Luis Guzmán does his best dog-voicing work in years as a pit bull caught up in the dog-fighting racket.

But don't be mistaken: Beverly Hills Chihuahua is odd, and not in a pleasant way. Kid movies often depict protagonists who get lost in strange, frightening lands. It's always tricky when that strange, frightening land happens to be a real place populated by a real ethnic group. Beverly Hills Chihuahua scratches vigorously at Mexico's seedy underbelly: Chloe gets captured by a band of dogfighters; has a run-in with a computer-generated, piñata-thieving rat named Manuel (Cheech Marin); and joins up with a coyote who smuggles collarless dogs across the border to America, where they presumably hope to find higher wages, better schools, and improved butt-sniffing opportunities.

Now this is some family-friendly entertainment.

The Decline of Western Civilization Presents: Hole In The Wall

After watching the premiere of J.J. Abrams' new show "Fringe" last night (quick review: it's no "Lost"), I caught the filler show that Fox threw up before the good ol' 10 o'clock news came on. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you "Hole in the Wall".

The whole premise of the show consists entirely of a moving wall coming towards spandex-clad contestants, who must make the appropriate shape of the hole with their bodies lest they get pushed into the pool of green ooze behind them. As you may have guessed it's based on a Japanese game show.

Honestly, I thought it was a joke. The contestants are dressed in spandex and bike helmets, the people in the audience are cheering with way too much enthusiasm, the announcer is way over the top, and to top it off each competing team has a theme, this episode was "The 6-packs" vs. "The beer bellies". Friends, Romans, Bloggers, here we have an example of the Decline of Western Civilization.

Have we really been reduced to this? Millions, nay, billions of years of evolution and we've come to Hole in the Wall? Maye it's a sign of Non-Intelligent Design. Ugh. Well Reuters has a nice write-up of the show. Their reporter sees the whole thing as parody, that's it not meant to be taken seriously. Ok, sure, but that doesn't excuse it from being terrible. I mean, if the hole in the wall segment was part of something larger, say an event on American Gladiators, at least we could say "Well it's just a silly event", but the thing is, the hole in the wall is the premise of the ENTIRE show. That's it, there's nothing else. Half an hour (and this was just the preview I saw, apparently the real show will be an entire hour) of people playing human Tetris.

The Reuters article is actually pretty good, especially this part: "Each challenge is prefaced with a dramatic electronic countdown and announcer Mark Thompson's triple-entendre intonation, "It's time to face the hole!" Hilarious. Hmm, who knows, maybe I need to give Hole in the Wall another chance?