More Crappy Slate Over-Analysis!

Aaah Slate, how you constantly pull me in with your headlines promising some new bit of knowledge or insightful analysis only to leave me scratching my head in confusion.

Take the recent Slate attention grabber "How I learned to love Katy Perry". Katy Perry, for those who don't know, if a fame-grabbing attention-whore Zoey Deschanel look-alike 'singer' with such notable hits as ur so gay and California Gurls. Also, the A.V. Club has a thing they push where they say she sounds like a dying frog. Ok, so you get my general impression of her. Visiting friends down in Southern California this past weekend (including LE's older brother Big E) I noticed that many people had the same opinion of Katy Perry.

So when I saw this headline I was intrigued. What was it, anything, that could make someone appreciate Katy Perry? What new insight could they offer? Well, in typical Slate fashion I was met with: A -an article that wasn't actually about Katy Perry specifically, but part of the larger Music Club series in which the segment concerning Katy Perry is just a few paragraphs, and B - a bunch of over-analysis gobblety gook.

To the evidence! Ahem:

"You think I'm pretty without any makeup on," Perry whispers incredulously in the first line of "Teenage Dream," her voice leaning slightly stunned against a latticework-privacy-fence of kick drum. The plucked way Perry sings the lyric—as if what she's saying is just impossible—says so much about how far we all feel we've strayed from our genuine selves. That line is the most important one to make the Top 10 this year, I think: its tragic nostalgia, playing out the new version of the hard-soft dynamic that made 1990s alt-rock so shocking—yeah, that Nirvana sound—except now what this jarring contrast expresses is a woman finding her power, a woman not knowing if that power is going to cost her everything and certainly not whether it will be worth it, instead of a boy-man like Kurt Cobain getting in touch with his feminine side.

If someone can explain to me how one's voice leans against a latticework privacy fence of kick drum, please give me a call.

Glenn Beck Starts Online "University"

Yes, it's true. One of those "too crazy to be an Onion headline" headlines.

Taking Beck's conspiracy theories seriously indicates some sort of personality defect. But if a non-charlatan started an internet lecture serious that could be interesting. "I've got degrees from the Conan O'Brian, Brian Eno, and Bill Clinton universities...I'm thinking of attending Elvis Costello U. next but it might be kind of ponderous...what do you think?"

We Are The World, But Who The Hell Are These People?

Seriously folks, does anyone know who the hell these people are? And how the hell did they get Michael Jackson to appear?? (which coincidentally might be the only decent part of the whole song, too bad it was the part recorded 25 years ago) And they let Lil Wayne use Autotune? WTF is going on? All I know is that Jamie Foxx really wants you to care.

Thanks for the Meme-ories Kanye

In case you missed it, here's the now infamous video of Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the MTV music awards the other night. While Kanye is without a doubt a jackass for doing so (and Obama apparently agrees), I just can't help but find his interruption hilarious in it's inappropriateness. But I'm not here to gossip about that. What I am here for is to document the hundreds of related spoofs, parodies, and remixes the internet has already spilled forth from it's meme-inducing bowels. Ladies and Gentlemen, the "Kanye Interrupts" meme has been born!

How about the time that Kanye interrupted Obama, remember that? Or when he interrupted Patrick Swayze's funeral? We all know what Kanye thinks of ol' Bush, but what about the time he interrupted Bush in the middle of one of his speeches? Or Clinton? Still doesn't ring a bell? Well certainly you remember Hitler's reaction to Kanye interrupting Taylor Swift?

Well Kanye is bound to make some money off of this, there's already a new remix of his song "Heartless" available which addresses his outburst, listen to it here. Well, that's it for this meme-watch. Play Kanye off Keyboard Cat!

Sleaze and Mourning in Las Vegas

Little Earl: So here's a city in the middle of the desert and there's a bar that's emitting mist from the ceiling. God bless America.

Zrbo: I saw Michael Jackson perform "Man in the Mirror" in front of hundreds of people today in the casino lobby. True story. And the worst part? I didn't have a camera, not even my cell phone. The city is going crazy here for Michael - his music is piping in through all available means, whether you're walking down the street or eating at a buffet. Giant megatrons display his picture with slogans such as "We remember you". I even saw some folks already sporting Michael RIP t-shirts. It's nuts.

Little Earl: So we're sitting here in the Imperial Palace Hotel watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. At one point during the monologue he starts a joke, grabs the cue card, says the joke is too dirty, and starts another joke. He and Cameron Diaz are screaming at each other about Mexican food. Also on TV are ads for Harry Reid's re-election and 1-800 numbers for debt reduction.

Zrbo: It's true. According to the commercial, Nevada has the highest foreclosure rate in the nation. Meanwhile, Fallon continues to amuse with his knack for coming up with strange situations to put his guests in. Right now he's trying to go for a world record by having Cameron Diaz sit in a hammock and loading it up with as many bunny rabbits as possible.

Little Earl: I don't understand why people bring their kids to Vegas. Where do the kids go when the parents sit down at the slot machines? Do they just walk around and dream about being old enough to gamble?

Zrbo: Last night Little Earl and I took Big Earl out for his bachelor party. At one point I had the pleasure of meeting a quite unattractive stripper from Serbia. I instantly had thoughts of the second season of The Wire, with all those Eastern European girls being smuggled in large shipping containers. I felt like I was contributing to human trafficking. I politely asked her to leave. Big Earl had a great time though. Little Earl didn't.

Little Earl: Well, it wasn't exactly my scene, but how many bachelor parties is my brother going to have anyway? Might as well indulge him this once. So - there's a casino that's a giant replica of an Egyptian pyramid, a casino that's a giant replica of the Eiffel Tower, a casino that's a giant replica of New York City. The only thing missing is a casino that's a giant replica of Las Vegas.

Zrbo: Well folks, I think that's it. It's pretty late, we're both exhausted from the constant heat and sensory onslaught of the constant BING BING BING of all the slot machines. Now we know we've hit rock bottom as we've been reduced to watching Last Call with Carson Daly. Well, peace out. Pray for Jacko.

In Case You Missed It

Ladies and Gentlemen, your latest internet meme, may I present to you "Cool Cat".

Mark-Paul Gosselaar went on Jimmy Fallon completely in character as Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell. I gotta say, I usually can't stand Jimmy Fallon, but maybe his sense of comedy is closer to mine than I think, because he keeps coming up with the weirdest guests.

Combining internet memes with current events, here's aging Poison frontman Brett Michael's slight mishap at the Tony awards, presented to you by Cool Cat!

This will be my last post for awhile as I'm off to Portland next week to go camping and visit old college friends. But stay tuned as in just a few weeks from now Little Earl and me will be coming to you live (-blogging?) from the beautiful Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas!

How Ricardo Montalban Led Me To True Salvation

This post was originally going to be about the death of Ricardo Montalban, the hispanic actor most known for his role as Khan in Star Trek II and as Mr. Roarke in Fantasy Island. But in my quest to find out out more about Mr. Montalban and his life I came across one of the most bizarre things on the internet (and let me tell you, there's a lot of weird stuff out there). I came across a forum post of The Landover Baptist Church proclaiming that Mr. Montalban was a homosexual sinner and is probably burning in hell! I couldn't believe it, were these people serious? I delved into the forums of this nightmarish ultra-ULTRA-right wing Christian church and came across all sorts of disturbing posts. "The evils of Valentine's Day" (it's pagan!), "I am chinese, will the creator condemn me?" , "OMG there's a fag in my neighborborhood what should I do?", and "Was baby Madeleine abducted by goths?" - all adorned with "Palin in 2012!" signatures. This was indeed a very scary place.

But something was off, something didn't feel quite right. There's crazy Christians, but these people were just crazy. The tipping point came when I read the first post announcing Montalban's death:

Folks, it brings me great joy to announce that C-list actor and possible illegal immigrant Ricardo Montalban has died at the age of 88. I take this as a personal victory for myself because he and I never exactly got along. The truth is that during the 70's I was going through a hard time and tried out for the part of Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island. I got the part and filmed an unaired pilot episode. Unfortunately it was 1978 and I had an expensive drug habit. To pay my astronomical debts to my dealers I decided to steal Charlie Chaplin's corpse and extort his family but unfortunately that plan had been done several months earlier and now the corpse was under two meters of concrete. I went back to the producers and asked for a raise only to be turned away because this Mexican immigrant was willing to do the job for less money than me. In my pilot episode one guest wishes for a bus full of 15 year old boys to break down in front of his cabana while our other guest, a former concentration camp officer, wishes that the woman he sexually tortured at Auschwitz would come back so he can resume his relationship with her. Studio heads decided that the plot about a pedophile wasn't the kind of upbeat family viewing they intended and the producers of the film "The Night Porter" sued us on the second plot. The episode was burried in an underground vault along with Jerry Lewis' "The Day The Clown Cried" and was later accompanied by Roseanne's sex tape. To this day I curse the name of Ricardo Montalban, but can sleep a little easier tonight knowing he is likely in hell.

Ok, there is just no way this is real. So I went to Wikipedia and came across this enlightening entry. Aha! It's all satire! Well, that's a relief. These people sure do take their satire seriously though, post after post of faux-Christian hate and bigotry. The scariest part is that it can be hard to differentiate from the folks who really think this way, but for now I'll breathe a sight of relief as I say, "Thank you Mr. Montalban for leading me to true salvation!" Amen (Palin in '12!)

Poetic Justice

I just read that Ann Coulter fell and broke her jaw. Now she's going to have to get it wired shut for a few weeks (not kidding here!). Poetic fucking justice if you ask me. Read it here.

Chinese Democracy - Now With More Flavor!

The Cold War is over and Chinese Democracy is now looming on the horizon. No, not that kind of democracy, I'm talking about the new Guns 'n Roses album! After something like 15 years we'll finally be seeing Axl's long awaited follow-up to.. uh, ahem, The Spaghetti Incident? (their '?' mark). If you are unaware this album has a long history. It's been talked about for years, with Axl guaranteeing that it would be released "soon" for about 10 years now. Its non-release has practically become legend at this point, somewhere up there with the release of Duke Nukem Forever and the proper version of Star Wars that we all remember.

So legendary in fact that earlier this year the makers of the soda Dr. Pepper came out and promised free Dr. Pepper for everyone if Chinese Democracy were to release this calendar year. And with the actual announcement of a release date (Nov. 23rd) Dr. Pepper is actually making good on that promise. You'll be able to go to Dr. Pepper's website that day and download a coupon for a free drink. Then when you get home with your new GnR album clutched in hand, you'll be able to crack open a nice cold soda as you let the homophobic-yet-I-wish-I-were-Elton-John/Freddie-Mercury-wannabee-tones of Axl's voice sweep over you. Aaah, refreshing!

Paul, er - Steve Jobs is Dead!

In case you missed it, yesterday someone at Bloomberg news was updating the obituary for Steve Jobs - yes, they keep planned obituaries on file in case big name people die - and accidentaly hit 'publish'. Whoops.
For a brief moment there everyone thought Steve Jobs had died. But we can all rest easy and put our iPod earbuds back in ears as it's just not true. Hit the link to see the rather lengthy pre-obit Bloomberg published.

Jimmy Fallon to Become Katie Couric of Late Night TV

Just read that they've decided to give Conan O'Brien's spot to Jimmy Fallon when O'Brien takes over for Jay Leno next year. Seriously, this guy is supposed to fill Conan O'Brien's spot?? I'm just utterly baffled. Does anyone like Jimmy Fallon? I just don't find him funny one single iota. Zip, zilch, do not pass Go. I thought they'd pick Jimmy Kimmel at least, or is he replacing Letterman? I'm not a big fan of Kimmel either, but goodness gracious he looks like Johnny Carson compared to Fallon.

I don't think anyone's going to watch Late Night anymore. Fallon will become the Katie Couric of late night TV. Zero audience. Go back to making farting noises during the SNL weekly update Fallon. I, for one, will not be watching.