Sleaze and Mourning in Las Vegas

Little Earl: So here's a city in the middle of the desert and there's a bar that's emitting mist from the ceiling. God bless America.

Zrbo: I saw Michael Jackson perform "Man in the Mirror" in front of hundreds of people today in the casino lobby. True story. And the worst part? I didn't have a camera, not even my cell phone. The city is going crazy here for Michael - his music is piping in through all available means, whether you're walking down the street or eating at a buffet. Giant megatrons display his picture with slogans such as "We remember you". I even saw some folks already sporting Michael RIP t-shirts. It's nuts.

Little Earl: So we're sitting here in the Imperial Palace Hotel watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. At one point during the monologue he starts a joke, grabs the cue card, says the joke is too dirty, and starts another joke. He and Cameron Diaz are screaming at each other about Mexican food. Also on TV are ads for Harry Reid's re-election and 1-800 numbers for debt reduction.

Zrbo: It's true. According to the commercial, Nevada has the highest foreclosure rate in the nation. Meanwhile, Fallon continues to amuse with his knack for coming up with strange situations to put his guests in. Right now he's trying to go for a world record by having Cameron Diaz sit in a hammock and loading it up with as many bunny rabbits as possible.

Little Earl: I don't understand why people bring their kids to Vegas. Where do the kids go when the parents sit down at the slot machines? Do they just walk around and dream about being old enough to gamble?

Zrbo: Last night Little Earl and I took Big Earl out for his bachelor party. At one point I had the pleasure of meeting a quite unattractive stripper from Serbia. I instantly had thoughts of the second season of The Wire, with all those Eastern European girls being smuggled in large shipping containers. I felt like I was contributing to human trafficking. I politely asked her to leave. Big Earl had a great time though. Little Earl didn't.

Little Earl: Well, it wasn't exactly my scene, but how many bachelor parties is my brother going to have anyway? Might as well indulge him this once. So - there's a casino that's a giant replica of an Egyptian pyramid, a casino that's a giant replica of the Eiffel Tower, a casino that's a giant replica of New York City. The only thing missing is a casino that's a giant replica of Las Vegas.

Zrbo: Well folks, I think that's it. It's pretty late, we're both exhausted from the constant heat and sensory onslaught of the constant BING BING BING of all the slot machines. Now we know we've hit rock bottom as we've been reduced to watching Last Call with Carson Daly. Well, peace out. Pray for Jacko.

In Case You Missed It

Ladies and Gentlemen, your latest internet meme, may I present to you "Cool Cat".

Mark-Paul Gosselaar went on Jimmy Fallon completely in character as Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell. I gotta say, I usually can't stand Jimmy Fallon, but maybe his sense of comedy is closer to mine than I think, because he keeps coming up with the weirdest guests.

Combining internet memes with current events, here's aging Poison frontman Brett Michael's slight mishap at the Tony awards, presented to you by Cool Cat!

This will be my last post for awhile as I'm off to Portland next week to go camping and visit old college friends. But stay tuned as in just a few weeks from now Little Earl and me will be coming to you live (-blogging?) from the beautiful Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas!

McCain Bails on Letterman

In case you missed it, due to the "suspension of his campaign" yesterday, McCain had to bail out on David Letterman at the last minute. This didn't make Letterman too happy. But it provided for plenty of jokes at McCain's expense, including a wonderful Top 10, which I've provided here:

The Top Ten Questions People are Asking The John McCain Campaign

10. “I just contributed to your campaign - how do I get a refund?"

9. “It’s Sarah Palin - does this mean I’m pars’dent?”

8. “Can’t you solve this by selling some of your houses?”

7. “This is Clay Aiken. Is McCain single?”

6. “Do you still think the fundamentals of our economy are strong, Genius?”

5. “Are you doing all of this just to get out of going on Letterman?”

4. “What would Matlock do?”

3. “Hillary here - my schedule is free Friday night.”

2. “Is this just an excuse to catch up on napping?”

1. “This is President Bush - what’s all this trouble with the economy?”

Watch the video above for the full opening monologue, and stick around till the seven minute mark to see what McCain was really up to (no joke!).

The Decline of Western Civilization Presents: Hole In The Wall

After watching the premiere of J.J. Abrams' new show "Fringe" last night (quick review: it's no "Lost"), I caught the filler show that Fox threw up before the good ol' 10 o'clock news came on. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you "Hole in the Wall".

The whole premise of the show consists entirely of a moving wall coming towards spandex-clad contestants, who must make the appropriate shape of the hole with their bodies lest they get pushed into the pool of green ooze behind them. As you may have guessed it's based on a Japanese game show.

Honestly, I thought it was a joke. The contestants are dressed in spandex and bike helmets, the people in the audience are cheering with way too much enthusiasm, the announcer is way over the top, and to top it off each competing team has a theme, this episode was "The 6-packs" vs. "The beer bellies". Friends, Romans, Bloggers, here we have an example of the Decline of Western Civilization.

Have we really been reduced to this? Millions, nay, billions of years of evolution and we've come to Hole in the Wall? Maye it's a sign of Non-Intelligent Design. Ugh. Well Reuters has a nice write-up of the show. Their reporter sees the whole thing as parody, that's it not meant to be taken seriously. Ok, sure, but that doesn't excuse it from being terrible. I mean, if the hole in the wall segment was part of something larger, say an event on American Gladiators, at least we could say "Well it's just a silly event", but the thing is, the hole in the wall is the premise of the ENTIRE show. That's it, there's nothing else. Half an hour (and this was just the preview I saw, apparently the real show will be an entire hour) of people playing human Tetris.

The Reuters article is actually pretty good, especially this part: "Each challenge is prefaced with a dramatic electronic countdown and announcer Mark Thompson's triple-entendre intonation, "It's time to face the hole!" Hilarious. Hmm, who knows, maybe I need to give Hole in the Wall another chance?

Jimmy Fallon to Become Katie Couric of Late Night TV

Just read that they've decided to give Conan O'Brien's spot to Jimmy Fallon when O'Brien takes over for Jay Leno next year. Seriously, this guy is supposed to fill Conan O'Brien's spot?? I'm just utterly baffled. Does anyone like Jimmy Fallon? I just don't find him funny one single iota. Zip, zilch, do not pass Go. I thought they'd pick Jimmy Kimmel at least, or is he replacing Letterman? I'm not a big fan of Kimmel either, but goodness gracious he looks like Johnny Carson compared to Fallon.

I don't think anyone's going to watch Late Night anymore. Fallon will become the Katie Couric of late night TV. Zero audience. Go back to making farting noises during the SNL weekly update Fallon. I, for one, will not be watching.