Beware the Baltimora

Are you familiar with those Japanese horror Ring movies? The ones where you are given a certain tape or DVD and told that even if you just momentarily watch the tape you are forever doomed? I have not watched those films myself, but I have read the frantically scribbled notes left by some of several of their victims. Most of the writing is incomprehensible scrawls, the last remnants of a mind losing its last shred of sanity. But the one word I can keep making out over and over again is... "Baltimora".


Once you listen to the chorus your soul is forever doomed. Doomed to have one of the greatest forgotten hits of the 80s run through your head over and over again. There's something hypnotic about that chorus with its repeating "oh oh ah oh" (though like in Monty Python's Funniest Joke in the World I dare not type out the entirety of it lest I too go mad).

Baltimora, or as some call him "Shub-Niggurath" or "the Unspeakable One", was an Irish pop star based out of Italy (how does that that work again?) who had a brief hit of fame with 1985's "Tarzan Boy", where it hit #3 in the UK and #13 in the U.S. Just check out the video above and relish in its garishness.

Or check out Baltimora on American Bandstand. I love how the audience spontaneously gets up and starts dancing. Also check out the fashions, I love the guy just to the right sporting the black shirt, white jacket, and black gloves. Stay classy 1985.


At that same American Bandstand appearance Baltimora was interviewed by Dick Clark (known in some dark circles as "The Ageless One"). Dick Clark asks him about his ambitions and Baltimora confesses that Tarzan Boy is a bit of a novelty song but that he plans to work on a more serious effort soon. As far as I can tell, Baltimora never made that second album.

Baltimora sure racked up those frequent flyer miles in 1985. Here's Baltimora on some show I've never heard of called "Peter's Pop Show" whose Wikipedia entry looks to be in Czech but IMDB tells me was a West German program. Check out those backup dancers:



Finally, here's Baltimora performing in an unnamed location (the third layer of Hell?). I only included this clip because, as one of the commenters points out, it features David Koresh on drums:



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Alas, after writing this piece I discovered that Baltimora's physical form passed away in 1995 due to AIDS. Strangely I found this out through this site I've never heard of before: findagrave.com. You can view his tombstone here. I have to confess that I feel like a bit of a dick now for writing such a snarky post. Rest in peace Mighty Baltimora, rest in peace.

Where in the World is Bryan Adams?

Ladies and Gentlemen, please do not panic, but it appears that Canada's answer to Tom Petty, one Mr. Bryan Adams has gone missing. No, no, not missing missing, but missing from that most holy of websites/texts: the All Music Guide.

I tell you the truth. Having just read the A.V. Club's piece on Bryan Adams' 90s slow-dance classic/Robin Hood tie-in "(Everything I Do) I Do it for You" I decided to see what Mr. Adams had been up to by visiting his entry on AMG. I had trouble finding any sort of entry for him. I certainly couldn't give a rats ass about Ryan Adams - no, that would not do - I wanted nothing short of a Bryan. Strangely, I couldn't find his entry. So I began searching for him by song. I found an entry for a cover of "Summer of '69" but couldn't find the original. Clicking on his name in the songwriting credits repeatedly took me to an error page. Using the only tool immediately available, I did a cursory Google search for allmusic.com and Bryan Adams and the incontrovertible truth that had been staring me in the face became a reality: Bryan Adams... had gone missing! He's just. Not. There. Several forum posts make it sound that his lawyer specifically asked AMG to pull down their reviews of his work. But... why?  Perhaps this so-called "lawyer" has absconded with Canada's flannel shirted sweetheart. I'm not sure, but if you have any evidence as to what's going on here, please let the authorities know. This is a mystery which must be solved.

I'll Have What He's Having

From the same minds who brought you the Bed Intruder Song comes this amazing ditty.  I've never wanted to eat at a Five Guys Burger & Fries so much until I watched this mouthwatering morsel of a song (look at the bacon!).  And as always, we turn to our fellow Youtube commenters to provide insight:

"His next song is on Type 2 diabetes"

"I'm a Vegan, but I still gives this a thumbs up"

"Oh god, I almost forgot to watch this song today."

and finally:

"THIS IS THE MOST INSPIRATIONAL THING I HAVE EVER SEEN"

Who Wants to Dance and Make Love for the Highlander Marathon?

Herman Cain apparently does.  If you haven't already seen these Bad Lip Reading videos making the rounds I highly recommend watching them.  They're often hilarious, but I think of all of them the one for Herman Cain takes the cake, just watch out for the extra fatal lady shimmer.

The Shat is Back

Yes folks, the Shat is back! Back with a new album that is. An album... of covers! Have you ever wanted to hear Shatner sing Space Oddity? How about She Blinded me with Science? Or maybe you're in the mood for some 90's Floyd with Learning to Fly? All these and more await on Shatner's "Seeking Major Tom", an album of space-themed covers. Here's Bohemian Rhapsody for you (which curiously takes its cues from the Halo 3 Superbowl halftime commercial, as well as Halo 3's opening cinematic). Enjoy!

Gettin' Down on Friday

Just in case you haven't seen it yet, the newest Internet sensation, the so-called "Worst Song Ever". Make sure you stick around for the break that includes perhaps the most astute observation of the sequence of the weekend ever.

Stray observations:
-Rebecca Black is only 13, according to newest child-safety recommendations Rebecca should still be sitting in the back seat.

-Why is the black guy driving in a sports car rapping about a barely-pubescent girl? Kind of creepy, no?

-His rap must qualify as the most unnecessary rap ever.

-If this same guy is driving so fast in the fast lane then how the hell is a school bus passing him by?

-If you go to the official Youtube page you can literally watch the 'dislike' bar rack up new hits in real time.

-I obviously must have too much time on my hands if I'm bothering to write about this phenomenon at all.

Careless Whisper... Now in Prank Form!

I could watch this all day and never tire of it.

Was Michael Jackson a Communist?

Be sure to stick around for the guitar solo!

Herr Zrbo: Professional Reviewer?

Folks, I just might be famous now. How famous? Internet famous. In one of my classes we're currently learning some advanced Google commands. One Google command, [link:], shows all the other websites that link to that site. Naturally I wanted to see if anyone was following the ol' blog here, when I discovered just how famous I am. I stumbled across the site musicfolio.com where to my surprise they've quoted my review of VNV Nation's Reformation 01 as if I were some actual respected authority. Oh yes folks, as they say on the internet i am teh famous. Don't believe me? Check it out right here (about 3/4 down the page). Eat your heart out Erlewine.

The Muppets Do Bohemian Rhapsody

In Case You Missed It

Ladies and Gentlemen, your latest internet meme, may I present to you "Cool Cat".

Mark-Paul Gosselaar went on Jimmy Fallon completely in character as Zach Morris from Saved by the Bell. I gotta say, I usually can't stand Jimmy Fallon, but maybe his sense of comedy is closer to mine than I think, because he keeps coming up with the weirdest guests.

Combining internet memes with current events, here's aging Poison frontman Brett Michael's slight mishap at the Tony awards, presented to you by Cool Cat!

This will be my last post for awhile as I'm off to Portland next week to go camping and visit old college friends. But stay tuned as in just a few weeks from now Little Earl and me will be coming to you live (-blogging?) from the beautiful Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas!

Ron Howard... In da Club???

This morning I was watching a little TV before heading off to work. Early morning is one of those rare times where MTV still shows actual music videos. Was my luck ever paid off. The screen informed me that a 'new, fresh video' was about to premiere. The video started. I could tell it was going to be one of those big budget hip-hop videos right from the start because it came complete with opening credits. It started with "Hype Williams presents". Then it cut to a bunch of cars rolling up as the credits played. It was a Jamie Foxx video. Ok, kind of weird. I guess he wants to be a singer now, but I guess I can deal with that, after all other young black actors have gone the same route.

The next person to roll up in a car was Samuel L. Jackson. Ok, I can see him in a video like this. Then Forrest Whitaker shows up. Ok, not who I would expect, but I guess so. Next up is Jake Gyllenhaal. Hmmm, getting a little strange. But maybe he's one of those young LA party types, roaming the clubs with Justin Timberlake. Still, pretty weird though.

But wait. There's one more car pulling up. Who is it, who else has been invited to this glamorous club full of easy, ravishing women? Why it's .... Ron Howard?!?

What... the... fuck???

Now, by this point I was absolutely certain this was a parody video. You see, the video that had played right before it was Eminem's new video, which parodied everything from Elvis to Rock Band. I thought for a second that maybe this was the second part to Eminem's video, a delightful satire on overblown "in the club" style hip-hop videos. But no, I was wrong. It was the real deal.

Earlier this week I thought I had already seen the weirdest video when I saw Ice T and Elmo playing a Wii game on Jimmy Fallon. But Jamie Foxx's video... well, you're just going to have to watch it for yourself.

The Future is Now (on CNN)!

So I was watching CNN's election coverage last night. Not sure if you've seen it but they've got the best technology over there in Atlanta. CNN has this 'magic board' they call it, which they unveiled earlier this year, where John King uses his fingers like a mouse to zoom in and out of a map of the U.S., showing us which states are voting for whom. It's like Google Maps to the 10th degree. Then last night they had this gigantic wall where it broke down the vote by demographic, and the host could just tap the needed demographic (say, 'hispanics making more than $100k') and voila! A pie chart would open up with all the needed info.

I'm watching this when my girlfriend comes in and I'm telling her 'Wow, CNN's got all this crazy technology, like holograms and shit. Well, not really holograms'. Oh, but I would be proven wrong within minutes.

We sit down on the couch together to watch the results roll in and then suddenly - POOF! We are transported to a magical future, of maybe it was a long long time ago in a far off galaxy. Why? Because there's Anderson Cooper, I kid you not, conducting an interview via hologram! Mother fuckin' hologram!!! Seriously, I couldn't believe it. He was actually interviewing Will.I.am from Black Eyed Peas (please don't ask) and there's Will standing next to Cooper with a strange purple glow around him, like total Star Wars style. I turned to my girlfriend and said something along the lines of "Uh, I was actually kidding about the hologram", or maybe it was something more like "Holy shit we've been transported to the future!"

Well, after some brief searching on the subject it turns out that it wasn't a true hologram. It was just being projected for the viewer, it didn't exist in real space on the set. Still, if you want your mind blown, or maybe it's just a good laugh, check out the interview here .

Chinese Democracy - Now With More Flavor!

The Cold War is over and Chinese Democracy is now looming on the horizon. No, not that kind of democracy, I'm talking about the new Guns 'n Roses album! After something like 15 years we'll finally be seeing Axl's long awaited follow-up to.. uh, ahem, The Spaghetti Incident? (their '?' mark). If you are unaware this album has a long history. It's been talked about for years, with Axl guaranteeing that it would be released "soon" for about 10 years now. Its non-release has practically become legend at this point, somewhere up there with the release of Duke Nukem Forever and the proper version of Star Wars that we all remember.

So legendary in fact that earlier this year the makers of the soda Dr. Pepper came out and promised free Dr. Pepper for everyone if Chinese Democracy were to release this calendar year. And with the actual announcement of a release date (Nov. 23rd) Dr. Pepper is actually making good on that promise. You'll be able to go to Dr. Pepper's website that day and download a coupon for a free drink. Then when you get home with your new GnR album clutched in hand, you'll be able to crack open a nice cold soda as you let the homophobic-yet-I-wish-I-were-Elton-John/Freddie-Mercury-wannabee-tones of Axl's voice sweep over you. Aaah, refreshing!

In a world where movie announcers die...

If you didn't hear, yesterday Don LaFontaine died from complications due to a collapsed lung. Who's Don LaFontaine? He's the movie announcer most famous for any movie trailer that begins with "In a world where...". According to CBS news he's recorded more than 5,000 voiceovers for movie trailers and "hundreds of thousands of more commercials and other presentations." Hundreds of thousands, really?? Sounds a bit of an exaggeration to me.

Paul, er - Steve Jobs is Dead!

In case you missed it, yesterday someone at Bloomberg news was updating the obituary for Steve Jobs - yes, they keep planned obituaries on file in case big name people die - and accidentaly hit 'publish'. Whoops.
For a brief moment there everyone thought Steve Jobs had died. But we can all rest easy and put our iPod earbuds back in ears as it's just not true. Hit the link to see the rather lengthy pre-obit Bloomberg published.

It's a Post Post Post Post Modern World

Last night I went to Music in the Park in downtown San Jose with my girlfriend to watch a Beatle's cover band (appropriately titled "The White Album Ensemble"). At the park there we met up with a middle-age couple who are friends of my girlfriends parents. They're the sort of baby-boomer generation types who grew up listening to the Beatles. You know - they actually remember when the White Album was new. They are also big Mac users, each one clutching their new iPhones.

Do you ever feel vaguely irked when you see these young kids, say on American Idol, who during a big power ballad sway their cell phones back and forth like they were holding a lighter? Well folks, that's just sooo 2005! During the final encore this middle-age couple whip out their iPhones, fire up an application which shows a video of a burning lighter and proceed to wave them back and forth as if they were real lighters!! Take that hipster kids! Nowadays we don't use cell phones as faux-lighters, we use cell phones projecting pictures of lighters as faux-lighters!!

The post modernism of it all baffled me in the way the definition of "is" baffles a semiologist. I'm not sure where we're going next ladies and gentlemen, but by the time we're middle-age I don't even want to know what kind of symbol-as-symbol-as-symbol we'll be waving around.

Stump Speech

I've never read the New Yorker before, but I caught a link to this great (fake) stump speech. It sounds like Obama, in fact I'm pretty sure some of the lines are ripped straight from him, but the farther you read the sillier it gets. I especially like the Sammy Hagar reference:

"I’m talking about the middle-aged man from Monterey, California—a Mr. Sammy Hagar—who told me, “I can’t drive fifty-five.” To tell the truth, I never had the good fortune to meet Sammy face to face, but we did have a long and fruitful one-way conversation through my car stereo one night during a Classic Rock Block."

Just read it thinking of Obama's voice as you do and I think you'll get a laugh. And yes, it contains a Halo reference (a pretty accurate one too).

Help Ian Curtis Find His Grave

Poor Ian Curtis. When will he finally get a break? First they go ahead and make a movie about him, now the poor sap gets his grave stone stolen by thieves. As desperation takes hold, won't someone help poor Ian?

In other news, has anyone noticed the music in the new Axe body spray commercial is Jimi Tenor's Take Me Baby? I'm certainly not used to hearing music associated with my local goth club being played on a deodorant commercial.

The Wonderful World of Patents

For those who don't know, I work in a patent firm. Surrounded by quirky lawyers following an extremely linear and boring process of bringing patents to grant, I've processed a lot of patents in my short time here. Every so often I stumble across a particularly bizarre or oddly worded patent description that I just have to jot down. Today I've decided to share some of these with you. Ladies and gentlemen, here are a few of the things you could have invented and made your millions on:

"Processing architecture having passive threads and active semaphores"

Huh?? Perhaps the inventor liked using those semaphore flags!

"Carry-skip adder having merged carry-skip cells with sum cells"

Try saying that ten times fast, er... skipper.

"Nodma Cache"

Duuude, I just got this cache of some killer nodma, wanna come over and smoke some with me?

"Detecting Virtualization"

This is one of my faves, just how is a gerund and an intangible concept a patent? This is like saying "Seeking Amalgamation" - I just don't see how this is anything tangible.

"Wound capicator with ball-and-lead configuration"

Someone must have been spending too much time at the Tokien convention, isn't this just a mace?

And finally, what inspired me to write this post, my work partner came across this one yesterday:

"Method of making a condom by blow extrusion"

Sweeeet!!