Friday, April 29, 2011

What Does John Wayne Bobbitt's Severed Dick Think About The Nuclear Reactor In Japan?

HBO is not a cable channel that I receive, so I often forget that Bill Maher still has a television show. This interview in Rolling Stone has reminded me. And almost makes me wish I paid for HBO. Almost. Highlights:
Americans have no idea what's in the budget, so how could they make informed decisions about it? They think public television gets five percent of the budget. We spend $178 billion a year on public television? Somebody should tell Tavis Smiley, because he's been bitching about that ratty old couch in his greenroom for, like, five years, and I'm sure he could use some of that money.

What did you make of Obama’s speech explaining the decision to intervene?

He seemed to be readying America for the idea that we are no longer the big swingin' dicks in the world ... Jefferson would turn over in his slave if he knew we had tens of thousands of troops on bases in Germany, Japan and Korea – wars that we won 50, 60 years ago. It's a concept we would never tolerate in reverse, by the way. If there were 20,000 armed Guatemalans on a military base in San Bernardino, Lou Dobbs would become a suicide bomber.

Only the fringe people are in the race right now. Donald Trump? Why are we even listening to this forgotten clown? Why don't we ask John Wayne Bobbitt's severed dick what it thinks about fixing the nuclear reactor in Japan? What does the Octomom's vagina have to say about Medicare reform?

You came under fire recently for calling Sarah Palin a "cunt" in your stand-up.

Fox News ginned up this so-called controversy. I don't just walk out there and say, "Sarah Palin's a cunt! Good night!" It's a carefully crafted routine that has been in my act for over a year. This is not a word that we can get along without, because it's a word that talks about a specific type of person – and it can be a man or a woman. I said I'd take it out of my act because of HBO – we're a good fit for each other. Every once in a while you just have to say, "I'm going to pick my battles." I don't need to be a martyr for Sarah Palin's cunt … whoops, I did it again.

When you’re out on the road, doing standup in Oklahoma City, how do you avoid… Willie Nelson problems?

I have only ever smoked marijuana 12 miles off the coast of the United States — that’s where it is legal. I learned that from William F. Buckley. I put a video up on FunnyorDie about a month or so ago called 12 Mile, I interviewed Sarah Silverman, and we had the ocean on a green screen, sailors’ caps — like we were on a boat. That was my subtle way of saying we were both very stoned in that interview — but we were 12 miles off the coast, so it is legal.

So what do you smoke — medical marijuana?

I only smoke what floats up there 12 miles off the coast! It’s lucky that there’s so much intercepted marijuana coming in from Mexico that it is floating out there in the ocean, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Ebert Shrugged

Finally, the cinematic event we've all been eagerly awaiting - Atlas Shrugged: The Movie! But hmm, what's this? How come I haven't heard of the director ... or any of the actors? Where's Gary Cooper and Patricia Neal? According to Ebert, it sounds like I should save my hard-earned Objectivist money. Highlights:
There are conversations in English after which I sometimes found myself asking, "What did they just say?" The dialogue seems to have been ripped throbbing with passion from the pages of Investors’ Business Daily. Much of the excitement centers on the tensile strength of steel ... Rarely, perhaps never, has television news covered the laying of new railroad track with the breathless urgency of the news channels shown in this movie.

The movie is constructed of a few kinds of scenes: (1) People sipping their drinks in clubby surroundings and exchanging dialogue that sounds like corporate lingo; (2) railroads, and lots of ’em; (3) limousines driving through cities in ruin and arriving at ornate buildings; (4) city skylines; (5) the beauties of Colorado. There is also a love scene, which is shown not merely from the waist up but from the ears up. The man keeps his shirt on. This may be disappointing for libertarians, who I believe enjoy rumpy-pumpy as much as anyone.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


This movie is a failed attempt at some kind of hard boiled indie comic book spy story. Hanna is what you get when washed up screenwriters try to cash in on the success of Quentin Tarantino.

If Wiki says otherwise then treat this as metaphor.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Ned Raggett Takes Your Questions

Perhaps the very greatest moment in the entire history of Cosmic American Blog to this point (and there have been many) was when AMG critic Ned Raggett left an actual comment on Zrbo's post about VNV Nation (swiftly to be never heard from again as I allegedly scared him off with my overly excited reaction). Well perhaps we could scare Ned off a little more. Or perhaps not. I have found some hilarious YouTube clips where Ned apparently answers questions from his "fans." Hands down, the highlight has to be "Why do you fagz on AMG give ***** to Dylan?"

This is almost outdone by "Wiki doesnt have your Liza Minelli marriage?"

As with other AMG reviewers before him, Ned looks exactly like I was hoping he would.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Zrbo Got Married

Our little Zrbo has finally grown up! On a luminous Saturday evening somewhere on the outskirts of Mill Valley, Zrbo and Mrs. Zrbo became one big giant Zrbo. She has apparently pledged to continue tolerating his passion for video games. Such a woman can rarely be found.

In related news, Marin City is the ghetto of Marin. Yes, there is a ghetto in Marin. It even has genuine ghetto cred, as 2Pac actually lived there in the late '80s. Try not to find yourself in Marin City too often.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Gettin' Down on Friday

Just in case you haven't seen it yet, the newest Internet sensation, the so-called "Worst Song Ever". Make sure you stick around for the break that includes perhaps the most astute observation of the sequence of the weekend ever.

Stray observations:
-Rebecca Black is only 13, according to newest child-safety recommendations Rebecca should still be sitting in the back seat.

-Why is the black guy driving in a sports car rapping about a barely-pubescent girl? Kind of creepy, no?

-His rap must qualify as the most unnecessary rap ever.

-If this same guy is driving so fast in the fast lane then how the hell is a school bus passing him by?

-If you go to the official Youtube page you can literally watch the 'dislike' bar rack up new hits in real time.

-I obviously must have too much time on my hands if I'm bothering to write about this phenomenon at all.