"I Want A New Drug/Duck/Ghost" AKA Who You Gonna Call? My Lawyer

When Ray Parker, Jr. came out with the theme from Ghostbusters, everybody and their mother apparently thought, "Hey that sounds just like Huey Lewis and the News' 'I Want a New Drug'!" Everybody, except for four-year-old me, of course, who'd never heard "I Want a New Drug," but who had recently been scared shitless by a (possibly ill-advised?) theatrical viewing of Ghostbusters.

Years later I would see lists of Huey Lewis' hit song titles, and I was always confused by the title "I Want a New Drug." I thought drugs were bad, mmm-kay? Why would Huey Lewis, quite clearly a morally upright and decent person, be advocating drug use? Was the song supposed to be ironic? Was he playing a character? Even now, I'm looking at the lyrics and I have no idea why he's talking about drugs. According to Patrick Bateman, "not only is it the greatest antidrug song ever written, it's also a personal statement about how the band has grown up, shucked off their bad-boy image and learned to become more adult," but I'm not entirely buying it. Besides, nobody says, "I want a new drug." That's like saying "I want a new school." It just sounds awkward. Maybe you'd say, "I want to take a different kind of drug," but not "I want a new drug."

At any rate, in the late '90s I finally heard "I Want a New Drug," and you want to know the funny thing? It didn't even occur to me that the song sounded like "Ghostbusters." If anything, I would have assumed that Huey Lewis had ripped off Ray Parker, Jr. He certainly wasn't ripping off himself. "I Want A New Drug" is sort of Huey Lewis' stab at Aerobic Rock, and he stabbed well: not only did the song peak at #6, but it managed to top the Dance Club Play chart. I don't think Michael Jackson had anything to worry about.



The video featured the debut of Huey's now-iconic red sportcoat/black t-shirt/shades look, and, funny, but he keeps spotting the same girl everywhere he goes. Matter of fact, isn't that the same girl from the "Heart and Soul" video? Well by golly, it is! Her name is Signy Coleman, and fellow '80s blogger Noblemania managed to track her down recently:

How were you cast?

It was very funny. My agent said, “They’re looking for punk rockers so I want you to put some of that spray stuff in your hair and put on torn fishnet stockings.” I said, “Lynn, I’m not doing that. I don’t look anything like a punk rocker.” I said I’ll put on high heels but that’s about the extent of it. I went to the audition and there were 50 of the most hardcore punk rockers I’ve ever seen. I turned around to leave and the director popped his head out of the room they were casting in and said, “Hey, miniskirt, where are you going?” He pulled me in and said they were also looking for a girl who’s the opposite and stands out in the crowd of these unusual characters. I was asked to pretend to flirt with guy across the room, which I like to believe I had a little experience with at that point.

Did you have to audition for the second video (“I Want a New Drug”), or were you asked to be in it because of the first video?

I was just asked. They were filmed about a year apart. That one was more difficult. They had me on a boat in the bay when it was cold. The concert footage in it was real concert footage. Girls who are Huey fans are hardcore Huey fans. Right before they were about to start they walked me across the stage and put me dead center and there were girls in the front row of the audience who had all kinds of unladylike things to say to me. I won’t repeat them! The crew had to handpick a group of people to surround me so I didn’t get my hair ripped out, particularly when Huey leaned in to kiss me.

Lesson No. 1: Don't fuck with Huey Lewis fans. Lesson No. 2: Huey Lewis goes wherever he wants, even when it makes no sense. From Wikipedia: "The video is rather fast and loose with Bay Area geography: it starts with him driving toward downtown San Francisco, then on a ferry headed from Marin County toward San Francisco...then boarding a helicopter that flies over downtown back toward Marin County where the concert seems to be held." Hey, this was in the days before GPS, OK?

So, another solid hit, another tongue-in-cheek video - that it's, moving along, right? Not so fast.

One day, Huey was listening to the radio, minding his own business, when he heard a brand new song that sounded strangely ... familiar:

When the similarities between this song and the theme song of the 1984 film Ghostbusters were heard, Huey Lewis sued Ray Parker Jr. for plagiarism, claiming that Parker had stolen the melody from "I Want a New Drug". Lewis had been approached to compose the main theme song for the film, but had to decline because of his work on the soundtrack for Back To The Future. The two parties settled out of court. Details of the settlement (specifically, that Columbia Pictures paid Lewis a settlement) were confidential until 2001, when Lewis commented on the payment in an episode of VH1's Behind The Music. Parker subsequently sued Lewis for breaching confidentiality.

Well, yeah. When something's confidential, it's confidential - even fifteen years later. Ray Parker, Jr. never forgets, bitch. OK, so maybe he ripped off "I Want a New Drug." But you know what? He actually made it ... better. Let's face it, "Ghostbusters" is funkier, catchier, and heavier than "I Want A New Drug" ever was. At the very least, it may be the most danceable song about ghosts ever written (with the arguable exception of "The Monster Mash"). Besides, the song always makes me think of the movie Ghostbusters, which is, you know, a great movie. "I Want a New Drug" just makes me think of the D.A.R.E. program. If anything, the song Ray Parker, Jr. actually ripped off was the Bar-Kays' "Soul Finger," but let's not split hairs. Maybe Huey was just pissed off that, in a delicious irony, "Ghostbusters" only made it to #6 on the Dance Club Play chart, but hit #1 on the pop chart.

The "Ghostbusters" video didn't quite have the same budget as the Ghostbusters movie, but it does have more neon furniture, and more celebrity cameos (Irene Cara? Peter Falk?!). At about the 3:08 mark, the damsel in distress shows up in some sort of light blue button-up blouse that's also a skirt (?), but in a strange way I find it kind of hot.



Perhaps the musician who had the clearest vision for how to improve "I Want a New Drug" was not Ray Parker, Jr., but Weird Al. Over the course of three minutes and thirty seconds, Yankovic unleashes every potentially groan-inducing duck pun known to man: "I'll tie him up with duck tape"; "The duck stops here"; "Show me how to get down"; "One that won't smell too foul" - the man could go all night. The only thing missing was a music video with Signy Coleman in a duck suit.

Matthew Wilder Has Strangest Dream, Impressive Mustache, Only Hit

Well, OK, technically not his "only" hit: according to Wikipedia, "The Kid's American" peaked at #33 and "Bouncing Off The Walls" peaked at #52. But if "Break My Stride" wasn't Wilder's only official hit, it certainly was his strangest dream:

Last night I had the strangest dream
I sailed away to China
In a little rowboat to find you
And you said you had to get your laundry cleaned
Didn't want no one to hold you
What does that mean?

Yes, Matthew Wilder, what does that mean? And yet, strange as that dream may have been, it was arguably not as strange as his appearance on Solid Gold. Prepare yourself.



First of all, many viewers have been shocked to discover that Matthew Wilder is not black, Carribean, or female. Then, there is his mustache. It's one hell of a mustache. It is, as one YouTube writer put it, "a mustache you could hang your shirt on." Couple that with the haircut and the wardrobe, and numerous comparisons are apt. In the YouTube comments he has been said to resemble everyone from Mario (of Super Mario Brothers fame) to 'Weird' Al Yankovic. Some others:

if freddy mercury and richard simmons had a child this would be the end result

Is this the white equivalent of Lionel Richie?!?

He's like Yanni's gay brother.

Dude! Ron Jeremy can SING!!

feminine gerri curled robin williams

it's like Gene Shalit and Geraldo had a love child

Then there is the "Chapman Stick." Apparently one of the musicians is playing an instrument known as a "Chapman Stick."

A Chapman Stick is like a guitar that is only the fret, but you play it more like a keyboard (!). This, ladies and gentlemen, is clearly what modern music has been missing.

Another YouTube commentator asks, "How many keyboards do you need?" Someone else expands on this dilemma:

conversation had by this band:
Matthew Wilder: maybe we should add 2 more keyboard players?
Keyboard Player 1: but we already have 3 keyboard players, including you
Keyboard Player 2: yea what would they do?
Matthew Wilder: one would play keyboard, and the other one would pretend to play keyboard just like all of us do
Keyboard Players: then yea, definitely, sounds awesome

Some final thoughts from our YouTube friends:

Every generation a new artist comes along who personifies and defines the bad ass spirit of rock and roll... Jim Morrison, Axl Rose, Liam Gallagher and... Mathew Wilder

It takes a really talented songwriter to make the rhyme "rocky" and "cocky" work.

I like the part where he keeps on moving

1. White guy?! - check 2. WITH gerri curls?! - check 3. AND leather pants?! - check 4. AND zipper shirt?! - check 5. AND "Cruising" moustache?! - check 5. AND cheesy Solid Gold Dancers in green lame sparkle spandex literally interpreting lyrics?! ("Running so fast" Okay, everyone run in place) - check 6. AND side guitarist with carefully shaved 6 o-clock shadow beard?! - check 7. AND a Chapman Stick player?! - check 8. AND Simmons electronic drum kit?! - check

Sure, you're laughing now, but in the end it was Wilder who had the last laugh, as he later stepped behind the recording console to produce No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom, which sold about 20 zillion copies. Suffice to say, he can probably sail to China any damn time he pleases. Wikipedia adds that he has since produced acts such as Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson, and Miley Cyrus.

Perhaps Matthew Wilder's stride wasn't so "a-broken" after all, eh?

You Should Hear How Melissa Manchester Talks About Her Biggest Hit

Melissa Manchester was primarily a torch singer in the Streisand mold, with Adult Contemporary hits such as "Midnight Blue" and "Don't Cry Out Loud." She also co-wrote the Yacht Rock classic "Whenever I Call You Friend" with Kenny Loggins. I mean, who needs Michael McDonald?



But in 1982, someone at the record company must have called Manchester into his office and said, "Melissa, baby, we love you but you're just not selling. Try to do something the kids are gonna like, you know? Something they can dance to."



"You Should Hear How She Talks About You," sort of a "She Loves You" for the '80s, peaked at #5 and became her most successful single. But according to Wikipedia, she "had to be dragged kicking and screaming into [the] studio" to record it. I'll bet nobody had to drag her kicking and screaming to the Grammys, where she won Best Female Pop Vocal Performance over Laura Branigan, Olivia Newton-John and Juice Newton! That's like the Holy Trinity of early '80s female pop. She should have won a special Grammy just for beating those three.

Songwriter Peter Brown probably had this song stuck in his head when he wrote Madonna's "Material Girl." Sing the lines "Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me/I think they're OK" to the tune of the chorus and you'll see what I mean. Hey Melissa Manchester, you should hear how Madonna ripped off the song you didn't even like.

Irene Cara's Hits Achieved More "Fame" Than She Did

"What A Feeling" it must be to know that you had a couple of the hugest soundtrack hits of the '80s, but now, years later, nobody can even "remember your name." Hell, they probably just sit around and mislabel your songs on file-sharing sites as "Donna Summer." But fame can be a fickle mistress, as Irene Cara must know all too well. One day you're nominated for the Best New Artist Grammy (and awarded Most Promising Female Vocalist by Cashbox magazine), the next you're appearing on Season 2 of CMT's reality show Gone Country. Ah, but to taste that moment of glory just once. Live by '80s pop, die by '80s pop.



Cara just didn't take enough of her passion to make it happen, I'm afraid. Yes, you can dance right through your life, but be careful, or you might dance right through your own career prospects. Isn't that right, Giorgio?

Donna Summer Works Hard ... To Escape The Death Of Disco

Like her former musical partner Giorgio Moroder, Donna Summer refused to let the death of disco kill her own career as well. Instead, she hitched her wagon to the next best thing: Aerobic Rock!

"She Works Hard For The Money" was an even more intense rallying cry for working women than "9 To 5" was:

Twenty-eight years have come and gone
And she's seen a lot of tears
Of the ones who come in
They really seem to need her there
It's a sacrifice working day to day
For little money, just tips for pay
But it's worth it all
To hear them say that they care

Already knows, she's seen her bad times
Already knows, these are the good times
She'll never sell out, she never will
Not for a dollar bill
She works haaaaard

I'll tell you who works hard for the money: Summer's hair stylist. That Jheri curl must have taken weeks to perfect. As one YouTube commentator put it, "She looks like Rick James."

Sheena Easton: Sorceress Of Scotland

Out of the depths of Scotland, there rose an alien being. The villagers gathered around and marveled at her ghoulish gaze. What should they call this strange creature? "We shall call her ... Sheena Easton."

Easton's first and probably biggest hit was originally going to be called "9 To 5," but to avoid confusion with Dolly Parton's extremely recent release, the record label re-named the song "Morning Train (Nine To Five)." As Wikipedia says, "While Parton's song features an empowered (if challenged) working woman, Easton's song features a passive, love-struck woman waiting around at home all day for her lover to return to her." In other words, Sheena's song is kind of stupid. It could have been written for a '30s musical, and not one of the good ones. Yeah, I liked it as a kid, but at this time in my life I find the song relatively annoying, especially its ridiculous bridge: "When he steps off that train, I'm makin' a fool, a fight/Work all day to earn his pay, so we can play all niii-hight!"



I'm more fond of her James Bond theme, "For Your Eyes Only." If there's such a thing as an Aerobic Rock Ballad, "For Your Eyes Only" is it. When I hear the opening, I feel like I'm walking into some sort of space ship holiday resort. When I used to hear this song on The '80s Tape, I couldn't help but make a little gesture with my fingers every time the extra high synthesizer notes followed the initial notes, bathed in a gigantic vat of echo. I always laughed hysterically at the particularly drawn out employment of these notes at the very end of the song (unfortunately cut off in this clip).

"For Your Eyes Only" may be, along with "Live and Let Die" or "Nobody Does It Better," the most memorable James Bond theme. It was unique in one other way. From Wikipedia:

Easton is the only artist to be seen singing the theme song to a Bond movie during its opening titles, as Maurice Binder liked Easton's appearance and decided to add her to the credits.[5] Her seductive appearance in these clips was, according to Roger Moore, more sexy than any of the Bond girls, although Easton herself states that the filming process was very unglamorous.[6][7]

Hey, Sheena, when you get a compliment from James Bond, you take it.



Easton's greatest contribution to Aerobic Rock, however, would have to be "Telefone (Long Distance Love Affair)."

Sheena's voice has just the right amount of high-pitched whininess to it, and, as with "For Your Eyes Only," the piano player excels at making dramatic and well-timed entrances. The melody of the verse may owe a little something to ABBA's "Lay All Your Love On Me," but ABBA probably didn't mind. Hell, ABBA were Aerobic Rock before there was even Aerobic Rock. Sheena's just paying her respects.

Laura Branigan And The Director Of The Exorcist Lose Their Self Control

Can Aerobic Rock lightning strike twice? If you're Laura Branigan, the answer is yes. As with "Gloria," Branigan took a sleazy Italian song and turned it into a sleazy '80s pop song.

I remember hearing "Self Control" when I was five years old, and it sort of gave me the creeps. At that age, I could not have possibly known what sleazy urban sex was, and yet even I could sense something disturbing going on:

I, I live among the creatures of the night
I haven't got the will to try and fight
Against a new tomorrow, so I guess I'll just believe it
That tomorrow never comes

A safe night, I'm living in the forest of my dream
I know the night is not as it would seem
I must believe in something, so I'll make myself believe it
But this night will never go 

You've even got the creepy zombie army in the background chanting "Oh-Oh-Oh (BOOM!), Oh-Oh-Oh."

But there's no way the video could match the creepiness of the music - right? Au contraire, mon frere. Someone at the record company must have realized that a "single stage with a disco ball" video wasn't going to cut it this time. Enter Exorcist director William Friedkin.

If all the scenes from Ghostbusters with Sigourney Weaver in them were somehow turned into a music video, it might look something like the video for "Self Control." Take some aluminum foil, some dry ice, add a coterie of anonymously masked Aerobic minions, and presto! From Wikipedia:

Branigan was one of the first artists of the video era to work with an Academy Award-winning film director on a music video when William Friedkin (The French Connection) directed the clip. Filmed in New Jersey and New York City, the video was produced by Fred Caruso and first aired in April 1984.[2] The video ultimately drew controversy, as it was considered so shockingly steamy that MTV required some edits before it could air.[3]

Oh really? Just wait, MTV. You'll soon be wishing your videos were as "steamy" as this one.

Laura Branigan: Queen Of Aerobic Rock

Olivia Newton-John may have created Aerobic Rock, but Laura Branigan perfected it.

Branigan went straight to the source: sleazy Eurodisco. "Gloria" was originally an Italian hit for Umberto Tozzi, with lyrics from, so I'm told at least, a male perspective.



With an English translation, some alterations, and the thrilling vocal touch of the then-unknown Branigan, an Aerobic Rock behemoth was born.



You may notice a slight similarity between the three-note synthesizer riff of "Gloria" and the chorus of "Physical." That may or may not be intentional. But let's be honest here: "Physical" wishes it were half the song that "Gloria" is.

Just listen to the opening. A vast, heavenly army of synthesizers descends from Mount Olympus, suddenly landing on a beat. It is a beat that can power the Gods. Forthright, resolute, unwavering. It is the beat ... of "Gloria."

Even though "Gloria" is the biggest piece of cheese of all time, apparently no one told Branigan. She utters the lyrics with a life-or-death urgency. She's really fucking worried about Gloria! On paper, the lyrics may read like this:

Gloria
I think they've got your number
I think they've got the alias
That you've been living under
But you really don't remember
Was it something that they said
All the voices in your head
Calling "Gloria"?

But in the hands of Laura Branigan, they read more like this:

Gloria!
I think they've got your num-baaa!
I think they've got the alias!
That you've been living unnnnn-daaa-aa-aa!
But you reeeeeeeeeally don't remember
Was it something that they sai-ah-ead
All the voices in your hea-ah-ead
Calling "Gloriaaaa-aaaaa"?

It's like she's thinking, "Get out of my face, Barbra Streisand. Go back to acting." She is Krishna on his chariot, laying waste to the Kaurava army in the Mahabharata. The teething masses, in thrall to Branigan's magnetic sway, can only chant "Gloria" behind her.

I mean hell, check out this clip from Solid Gold. The stage is literally exploding from the sheer force of Branigan's Aerobic Rock power.

"Physical": The Birth Of Aerobic Rock

"Physical" was the most successful hit single of the '80s. And, frankly, I have no idea why. It's not that catchy, it's not that clever, it's not even one of Olivia Newton-John's best songs. But it was massive. It was #1 on the Billboard charts for ten weeks. "Hey Jude" was only #1 for nine weeks.

What I want to know is this: who heard "Physical" on the radio and thought, "Oh my God, I have got to buy that song"? Who were these people? "Every Breath You Take," I can understand. "Like A Virgin" sounded ... like a hit. But "Physical"? "Physical" is like an above average commercial jingle. Now that the dust has settled, I can only think of one reason why:

Aerobics.

"Physical" caught a cultural wave. "Physical" wasn't just a song; "Physical" was a way of life.

The song itself is not necessarily about Aerobics. Or rather, it's about Aerobics of a more ... carnal kind:

I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like
Making good conversation
I gotta handle you just right
You know what I mean
I took you to an intimate restaurant
Then to a suggestive movie
There's nothing left to talk about
Unless it's horizontally

Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk

How exactly does one "get into" physical? Is that like "getting into Magic: The Gathering"? OK, so Olivia Newton-John is not an English professor. Apparently getting "physical" isn't even enough; by the end of the song she's desperately begging to "get animal" - now using the word "animal" as a adjective.

So the song itself is about sex, and not even in a particularly creative or interesting way. No, my friends. They saved all the creativity for the video.



This video is like the ultimate '80s acid nightmare. Take everything horrible about the '80s - the music, the fashion, the headbands, the leotards, the thinly veiled homosexual imagery - stick it in a blender, and I think what you will come up with is this exact clip. It's enough to make a viewer "physically" ill.

And that, more than its massive commercial success, may be the song's true achievement.

Olivia Newton-John: Country Goes Aerobic

You'd think there would be no genuine link between country music and Aerobic Rock. But you would be wrong.

Because there was Olivia Newton-John. "Newton-John"? Sounds like the secret bastard child of Juice Newton and Elton John. Actually, that might be a pretty accurate way of describing her career.

Here's another question for you: can you be a country singer if you're from Australia? I guess they do have their own version of "countryside," called the Outback. You can probably be a more authentic Australian country singer than you can a British country singer.

At any rate, in the case of Olivia-Newton John, the answer was "yes." She rose to country-pop superstardom in the mid-70s, with clean-cut MOR gems such as "I Honestly Love You" and "Have You Never Been Mellow."





Then she became a movie star. I have never seen Grease, nor do I plan to see it. I will refrain from posting a YouTube clip from it. Still, Grease might have suggested a long and successful film career for Newton-John. Xanadu quickly put an end to all that.

In addition to the title track, which I once dubbed "The Most '70s Thing Ever," and the Cliff Richard duet "Suddenly," the film featured one of the most inescapable hits of 1980: "Magic."



I'll tell you what's magic: Olivia Newton-John's ability to transform from a wholesome country-pop singer into the slutty Goddess of Aerobic Rock.

Aerobic Rock

I don't know how people exercised prior to the '80s.

My mother had a vast collection of Jane Fonda exercise records. I used to stare at them in dismay. Who was this hideous creature?

Personally, the notion of performing strenuous, repetitive physical exercises for an extended period of time sounds like my idea of hell. But somebody must have liked it. It was only a matter of time before '80s record executives realized, "Hey! All those people doing aerobics? They're going to need music ... to do aerobics to!"

How does one define Aerobic Rock? Let me give it a try: Aerobic Rock is music that is more singer-driven than disco or club music, but more uptempo than Yacht Rock. Aerobic Rock is like dance pop for housewives.

The heyday of Aerobic Rock was brief. Dance music swiftly got younger, sexier, smarter, more political. But for that one shining moment, exercise and pop music worked out in the same gym. So strap on your leotards, cinch up your leg warmers, and pull out your Jane Fonda records. It's time ... for Aerobic Rock.