Cell Phone Bowling

Sometimes there's nothing like simplicity. With all the incredible video game technology available today, I have to say that it is still possible to make a quality video game with even the most basic of programming skills. Exhibit A: Cell Phone Bowling.

I was first drawn to Cell Phone Bowling when I found myself bored in restaurants, waiting for my food to arrive but missing a newspaper. Given that I have bowled in real life, I assumed that the rules would come naturally to me. After a few plays, however, I soon realized that Cell Phone Bowling was a bit different from Real Life Bowling. Let me explain the mechanics of the program:

Essentially, the "5" key is your gateway to glory; it takes you everywhere you need to go. Press it once, and the ball appears. Press it twice, and a hollow, black, two-way arrow appears beneath your ball. Within that arrow, there's a white line that shrinks and expands in either direction, although it is permanently anchored in the middle. The line is your "aiming" mechanism. You must press "5" at the precise moment when the white line is stretched in the direction you'd like the ball to go. This requires accurate reflexes, and can be quite frustrating at first, but it can be acquired with time, I assure you. Once you press "5," the line is fixed, and you are stuck with it. Sometimes you know that the line is not in the spot you'd like it to be, but it's too late buddy, you can't do a thing about it. At any rate, now a hollow, black, horizontal bar appears to the right, with another white line that rises and falls inside it. This is your "power" mechanism. If you press "5" when the bar is high, this means you will throw the ball hard. If you press "5" when the bar is low, this means you will throw the ball like a pathetic little girl. Once the last "5" is pressed, the ball is thrusted forward and the pins, if you do your job right, will fly in every possible direction.

You might think that such a game would allow for a great deal of variety. Ah, but you underestimate the economy of Cell Phone Bowling. For you see, the aiming mechanism is not as useful as it appears. The aiming mechanism has nine slots. Let's call them -4, -3, -2, -1, 0, 1, 2, 3, and 4. Slots -4 and 4 will roll the ball straight into the gutter. In fact, so will slots -3 and 3. But ah, here's where the program gets strange. Because slots -2 and 2 will also roll the ball into the gutter! That's right, the only slots out of the nine that are of any use to you, ever, are slots -1, 0, and 1. You are tempted to believe that if you select slots -2 and 2 the ball will, at some point, hit one of the outlying pins, but it always rolls away at the very last minute. Hear my words. I have spent many a wasted game hoping that slots -2 and 2 would somehow, eventually, work in my favor. But that way lies the path to madness, my friends.

Then there is the power mechanism. As far as I can tell, the power mechanism does almost nothing. If you select the power at its absolute lowest, your ball will roll into the gutter. And I believe - though I am not certain - that if you select the power at its absolute highest, you will be throwing the ball too hard and your throw will not be as effective. After much trial and error, I have decided that the best spot in which to select the power is at roughly the 75% mark - although I am still not convinced that this has much effect.

Now, obviously on the first frame you should try to position the ball in slot 0. If you position your ball, on the first frame, in slot 0, then once you let go, the program will generate a limited number of outcomes. Here is how I would roughly break them down:

20% - one corner pin
10% - two corner pins on the same side
15% - split with two pins on one side and one pin on the other side
15% - split with two pins on each side
20% - split with one pin on each side
20% - strike

The program will not generate any outcomes other than these. So there is a certain amount of random chance involved here. Even if you are skilled enough to place the ball in slot 0 every single time, the program will not give you a strike every single time. That is why you must be ready for the spare. If one corner pin remains, then you must aim the ball in either slot -1 or slot 1, depending on which side the pin is on, if you want to pick up the spare. The same goes for two corner pins on the same side. However, if you receive a split...you are screwed. The program does not allow for you to hit a pin in such a way so that it careens across the lane and knocks down the other pin(s), as is quite possible in Real Life Bowling. Oh no, such a maneuver would apparently be much too complicated for this program. When you receive a split, the best you can do is simply pick a side, knock down a pin (or pins) and take the extra point or two. That, in a nutshell, is all you need to know to become a master of Cell Phone Bowling.

However, I believe the game has one more hidden idiosyncracy built into it, and that is this: If you throw a strike, then on the next frame, you will almost invariably receive a split with two pins on each side. Apparently the program doesn't like to let you think you're starting to get lucky. On freak occasions, yes, I have been able to throw two strikes in a row. Once, I believe I might have thrown three strikes in a row. But I couldn't be sure; maybe I only imagined it. Therefore, I believe that the smartest strategy in the game might actually be to go for the spare - every time. You will probably end up with more points that way, rather than going for the strike every time, as you would in Real Life Bowling.

The program is also capable of some exciting graphics. When you get a spare, a cheaply pixellated little girl in blue overalls and a yellow baseball cap will appear in front of the scoring sheet and move her left arm up and down in triumph. If I'm not mistaken, she holds up two fingers; is that the symbol for "spare" or something? Then when you get a strike, oh man, the girl raises both of her fists in utter ecstacy. Finally, when you get a gutter ball, she holds her hand up to her nose. What a snot.

I have to say that I have done quite well in Cell Phone Bowling, occasionally surpassing my highest score in Real Life Bowling. My high score in Cell Phone Bowling is 158, while I don't believe I've ever surpassed 130 in Real Life Bowling.

Hold the phone, everybody. I just clicked on the option called "Instructions," and apparently you can use the "4" and "6" keys to move the ball across the lane! Before you choose your aim! This changes everything. Think of all the new permutations that this one simple move makes possible. Well, what a fool I was, claiming I knew everything there was to know about Cell Phone Bowling.

Even an old pro can be surprised.