Saturday, June 16, 2012

Prometheus - Sometimes You Just Have to Forcibly Abort Your Own Alien/Human Hybrid Baby in the Name of Science

Q:  So what happens if you progressively add more plot points to movies about crazy aliens that lay eggs in human faces?

A:  The movies get shittier!

Looks like a vagina on a penis to me.

I enjoyed Alien. I enjoyed Aliens, although it's not as good a the first movie and is annoyingly overrated by mouse-and-keyboard wannabes who like fake military crap. A didn't watch the other two movies. Now, after watching Prometheus, I think it's safe to say that I don't have to--but maybe I want to?.

Succinctly, Prometheus has decent special effects, mediocre to poor acting, and one godawful script.

(If you plan on watching the movie you can stop reading now, but I think you'll enjoy it more if you watch after reading me make fun of it.)

From the top:

Some thousands of years ago, "engineer" aliens, who look like pale 9 foot humans, send a guy to Earth who drinks some black stuff which causes him to painfully disintegrate. His DNA creates life on Earth. (No more explanation needed because none is given.

Humans of various civilizations somehow find out about these "engineers" and draw primitive artwork which points to a solar system some distance from Earth.

A rich old dying guy funds a mysterious space trip to this alien system BUT pretends he's dead and sneaks onto his own ship.

Once the humans get to this alien system it turns out the alien planet has buried spaceships. The spaceships contain bad black goo that has a bunch of alien larvae in it.

The alien larvae either impregnate you with aliens or drives you insane and turn you into a unstoppable super zombie.

The "engineers" actually want to kill all humans. (Wait, you say, didn't the movie start with an "engineer" sacrificing himself to create humans? Yep. Yep it did.)

Hero scientist GIVES HERSELF AN ABORTION. She then gets up of the surgical table, runs away from the alien baby she just pulled out of her own uterus, and fights it once it grows into a giant 6 mouthed, 6 tentacled, penis/vagina alien. Who says Sigourney Weaver is tough?

Ok, I think you get the point. On last thing worth noting, as in the previous movies the aliens all look like either male or female genitalia. And, like always, these aliens are doing whatever they possibly get int the throat of any sentient lifeform within reach. What terrible things happened to H.R.Geiger's mouth as a child? What part of Ridley Scott identifies so strongly with this aesthetic? Is it just a way to mess with oblivious people who go to see these movies?


Herr Zrbo said...

Just saw Prometheus last night. I somewhat enjoyed it even though the script was awful. Each character was so terribly cliched that if you could have swapped them out for cliched high school characters it would have just been a high-school-kids-get-murdered kind of plot.

Bumbling scientist and cocky mercenary declare they want to walk back through the caves to get back to the ship. Hmmm, I wonder if they'll die in the next scene? Each death was just so OBVIOUSLY telegraphed to the audience, there was almost zero tension. The only one who didn't deserve to die/died honorably was Stringer Bell from The Wire, he would have been safer slinging drugs in Baltimore.

And of course beautiful intelligent scientist woman (with the alien fetus) with an irrational belief in a higher power is the only survivor who gets to walk away at the end. Is she the new Sigourney?

Herr Zrbo said...

Also, Little Earl would have liked David the Android since his shtick was that he wanted to be Peter O'Toole and would study his mannerisms by watching Lawrence of Arabia. Perhaps.. LE is an android?

Little Earl said...


Now, I haven't actually seen this movie, but if it mentions Lawrence of Arabia ... then it's a masterpiece!