Ebert, Sex And The City, And Dog Masturbation

Good to see the Big E back on the scene, as he muses over movies which he knows are not in the least meant for him, i.e. Sex And The City. You see, the man understands that as long as he has to write a review of a stupid blockbuster, he may as well go and have fun with it. He gets particularly strong mileage out of the film's suggestion of female dog masturbation. An excerpt from the initial review:

The dog gets friendly with every pillow, stuffed animal and ottoman and towel, and here’s the funny thing, it ravishes them male-doggy-style. I went to AskJeeves.com and typed in “How do female dogs masturbate?” and did not get a satisfactory answer, although it would seem to be: “Just like all dogs do, but not how male dogs also do.”

Ah yes, but if you assumed the subject would have exhausted itself right there, you'd be mistaken. In a post on his new blog, Ebert writes:

Oddly enough, searching the AM's Google Mail account for questions about 'Sex and the City,' I found that all the messages, every single one, dealt only with matters of masturbating female dogs. But surely I was mistaken? Surely with such a popular film there would be messages about something else, especially since it was a popular movie, my review was negative, and my hit-counting software indicated that tens of thousands had read it? Was the only thing they wanted to write me about the leisure activity of Samantha's pet dog?

It appears that inquiring minds want to know. He goes on to suggest that if a sequel were to be made of Sex And The City, it ought to star dogs:

The question is, what dog would it star? Here at the movie desk we stop at nothing to inform our readers, and so I can tell you that Baby is played by a dog named Gidget Gormley, who has countless web pages in her honor, mostly pink. Search as I did, I found no information about how Gidget was trained to masturbate on demand. But since Gidget is billed as "the world's cutest dog," maybe all it took was a mirror.

Finally, after a young male reader writes in to defend the artistry of the original show and suggest Ebert give it a try if he ever has the opportunity, Roger responds:

I regret, Ian, that I will never have the opportunity. Wild horses could not drag me to the opportunity. SATC is so definitely not my cup of tea that, for me, it is not tea at all, and does not come in a cup.

Oh Roger, you're such a cad!