America Is Like The Raiders

A while back I came up with the greatest sports/politics metaphor ever constructed. If you are not familiar with the recent history of the Oakland Raiders, I'm sorry, you'll just have to do some research on Google. If I have to explain it, it's not as funny.

Obama is like Tom Cable. He can only do so much given the hand he's been dealt. He may have some skill and talent as a coach, but he's stuck under the weight of his own organization.

The American people are like Al Davis. Their once-great sense of what it takes to win is on the decline. Even when they're losing, they're too proud and stubborn to make the necessary changes, because that would mean admitting they were wrong. They pick a guy to coach their team, but they have completely unrealistic expectations and they get insulted when he actually tries to make some painful decisions that could probably give the team a better chance of winning.

The Republicans are like JaMarcus Russell. They're fat and lazy and they don't even know how to throw the damn ball. Tom Cable (Obama) is trying to build a winning team, but Al Davis (the American people) is forcing him to deal with the world's shittiest quarterback (Republicans) in order to do it, because Al Davis (the American people) has no idea what the hell he's doing anymore and he likes it that way.

And thus, the team keeps on losing.

Super Bowl XLIII

I have to say that was a pretty good one. One of the Cardinals players was being interviewed after the game and he was going on about "We came here for one reason and one reason only, and that was to win a football game, and we didn't get that accomplished," etc. etc. Come on buddy! You guys kicked some ass. Hell, if somebody had actually bothered to tackle James Harrison at the end of the half, you would have won. I mean really. Who expected the Cardinals to ever have a lead at any point in the 4th quarter? Go treat yourselves to a spa or something.

I always assumed people called Ben Roethlisberger "Big Ben" just because it sounded cool, but my God that man is huge. He looks like he just ate the running back. He could almost star in Shrek 4.

I think Bruce Springsteen is a talented guy, but seeing him perform the halftime show, I have to say I'm still a bit mystified by the almost universal critical adulation he's received. Something got out of hand somewhere along the line. Anyway Tom Petty was better.

I think my favorite commercial was the Cheetos one where the plain girl got so fed up listening to the obnoxious ditzy girl talk on her cell phone that she threw Cheetos under her seat, and by implication, invited birds to attack her. Now here was a commercial with a protagonist I could really identify with! I also liked the Doritos man getting hit by a bus. Nothing makes me want to buy a product like schadenfreude.

Reminds Me Of The Raiders

I don't know about anybody else, but I was rooting for Anthropology A&M.

If you're in the mood for another funny (but more recent) clip, I recommend "Goofy in How to Hook Up Your Home Video."

Magic 8 Ball Predicts 49ers and Raiders Victories

Is there a more cherished icon of classic American kitsch than the Magic 8 Ball? I mean really now? I was hanging out with my roommate a couple of nights ago, and there in his room, resting on the ironing board, was the legendary soothsaying device in question. I said, "OK, let's try this thing out," and I handed it to him. He turned it upside down, and with the appropriate gravitas, shook it and asked, "Will Obama be the next president of the United States?" The 8 Ball's response: "It is certain." You heard it here first, folks.

Then I did one. "Will the Milwaukee Brewers...make the playoffs?" The 8 Ball's reply: "Don't count on it." Indeed, given the team's recent September slide, I'd say the 8 Ball might be on the mark with that one.

My roommate took another shot. "Will Obama...win Ohio?" "Outlook good." "All right, I'm liking these answers," my roommate observed.

My turn again. "Has McCain ever had...a penis...in his ass?" "Reply hazy, try again." We both groaned in frustration.

My roommate went political one last time. "Will Sarah Palin...help McCain...win the election?" "It is certain." We looked at each other in puzzlement. How could both Obama and McCain win the election? The 8 Ball was giving us conflicting answers!

"How about some football questions," I said. My roommate gritted his teeth. "Will the Cleveland Browns...win the Super Bowl?" "My reply is no." "OK, that sounds about right," he said.

I then asked, "Will the Raiders...win the Super Bowl?" "Don't count on it."

My roommate grabbed it back and shook it rather vehemently. "Will the Raiders...win a game this year?" "Signs point to yes." "Damn." He paused in thought, then shook even harder. "Will the Niners...win a game this year?" "You may rely on it." "All right, all right, those were stupid questions," he admitted.

And yet little did we know how quickly the 8 Ball's prophecy would prove to be correct! I mean, hell, after the 49ers fell behind 14-0 in the first five minutes against the Seahawks I was pretty much like, "So...which week are we playing the Rams again?" Suddenly I tune in an hour later and it's 27-20 with the Niners ahead. Come again? Final score 33-30 - Niners win. Did I mention that this was the Seahawks? In Seattle? Let's hear it for former UC Davis quarterback J.T. O'Sullivan, who became the first Niners QB to throw for more than 300 yards in a game since 2004. I suppose throwing for more than 300 yards in a game isn't supposed to be particularly rare, but as Colonel Dryden says in Lawrence of Arabia, "Big things have small beginnings, sir." As for the Raiders beating the Chiefs, well, the Chiefs stink anyway.

Of course, we neglected to ask the 8 Ball if the Niners and Raiders would win more than one game this season. But sometimes it's best not to ask the 8 Ball too much.

Bay Area Football Teams Finally Show Up To Play

So last weekend both the Niners and the Raiders managed to win their respective games. On the same weekend! No, I'm actually serious. I only saw a glimpse of the Raiders game but I managed to catch the last half of the Niners game, and boy, let me tell you, it was something.

It seems to me that a team can never end a losing streak with a big blowout victory. They have to crawl their way tooth and nail over the other (usually crappy) team to finally put an end to their pathetic ways. And so it was with the Niners on Sunday. I look on the internet to see the score, and at the start of the third quarter it's 24-21 - with the Niners winning! Holy beeswax. So I turn on the TV to catch the drama. The Cardinals get another touchdown to take back the lead at 28-24. Suddenly it's the fourth quarter and there's only two minutes left in the game. The announcer says, "The Niners have not scored in the final two minutes of a half all season long." Not just the final two minutes of the game, but the final two minutes of a half! So it would have seemed that history was not on the Niners' side. But somehow Frank Gore rushes for a first down about three times in a row, and then he rushes for a touchdown with about a minute-and-a-half left, making it 31-28 Niners.

So now all the Niners need to do is keep the Cardinals from getting into field goal range. Not an outrageous task considering their defense is their strong suit. However, the Cardinals keep making first down passes near the sidelines and then falling out of bounds, keeping the clock from running. With six seconds left, the Cardinals find themselves basically at the goal line. They throw to somebody in the end zone, and the receiver pretty much catches it, but a Niners player reaches right under there and tips the ball out of the guy's hands. The play happened so fast, however, that there's still two seconds left on the clock. The Cardinals go for a field goal and the game heads into overtime at 31-31.

Now the announcer says, "Out of eight overtime games this season, the home team has won six times. That's not good news for the Niners." In addition, the Cardinals start overtime with the ball. "If the Niners can just get the ball back, then they've got a chance, but otherwise, it's gonna be tough." The Cardinals make it into field goal range, at about the 27-yard line, on second down. They kick the field goal and it's good, but apparently the refs call a "delay of game" penalty, which I've never heard of before in my life. So not only does the field goal not count, but it's third down with a five yard penalty. Anyway, you say, OK, so a 32-yard field goal instead of a 27-yard field goal, no problem right? The guy misses it. The Cardinals punt on fourth down.

The Niners don't do squat with the ball, but when they punt, they tackle the Cardinals all the way back at their own 3-yard line. This was like the world's greatest punt. On the next play, the Cardinals quarterback takes too much time, gets hit by a Niners player, the ball goes flying loose, another Niners player jumps on it and since he's in the Cardinals' end zone, the Niners score a touchdown and the eight-game losing streak is over.