There. I said it. Can't erase that knowledge from your brain. Hate to ruin the shocking twist for everybody. But the question regarding Milli Vanilli is not "How could Grammy voters have possibly failed to realize that those two guys weren't actually singing?" Rather, the question is "Why were Milli Vanilli even awarded Grammys ... in the first place?"
Could someone care to explain to me exactly what it was about Milli Vanilli's work that merited the kind of recognition that did not extend to their peers? Was it their thought-provoking lyrics? Their superlative musicianship? I will drop the snark if someone can genuinely, truly answer this question for me. The scandal wasn't that their Grammys had to be rescinded; the scandal was that they even received any Grammys ... to begin with!
That said, I have a confession to make. Your Honor, I plead guilty to the following crimes:
1) Stabbing a naked homeless man on the side of a South Dakota highway
2) Stealing 36.5 million dollars from an orphanage in Knoxville, Tennessee
3) Genuinely liking Milli Vanilli's "Girl You Know It's True" and "Baby Don't Forget My Number"
The first two, forgivable perhaps, but that last crime ... that's just a bridge too far. Honestly, time heals all wounds, and, you know, a record is a record, and the dirty truth is, it doesn't really matter who was doing what, and what I'm trying to say is ... I ... I ... (peeks around) ... actually enjoy "Girl You Know It's True" and "Baby Don't Forget My Number."
I mean hell, it's not the kind of scandal that has seriously tainted the music. If only they'd turned out to have been secret rapists or sexual predators instead. I was never really a "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You" guy. I will accept blame from certain fans for not being particularly fond of "Blame It On the Rain" (Dianne Warren, bless her soul). But "Girl You Know It's True," and "Baby Don't Forget My Number" - any day, any time, crank 'em up, I'll be there, front row.
Like the Roman Empire or the Italian Renaissance, Milli Vanilli did not arrive out of nowhere. The brainchild behind all the malarkey, one Frank Farian, was the svengali responsible for Boney M, a German disco act that managed to rocket to superstardom in virtually every country but the U.S. Here is an astute observation several YouTube commentators have made about Boney M's immortal "Rasputin": It is a song performed by a German band, consisting of Jamaican singers, singing lyrics in English, about a Russian historical figure. Well, that was the '70s for you (and could someone please give me the Russian translation for "There was a cat that really was gone"?). At any rate, it turns out that, at least as far as American chart success was concerned, with Milli Vanilli, Frank Farian would have the last laugh - and I'm fairly certain he was literally laughing.
Everything about Milli Vanilli screams out "mindless" and "disposable" - especially the name, which has always reminded me of Magilla Gorilla (for all of you Hanna-Barbera aficionados out there). They dance by stomping in place and then pointing their arms to the sky a la Superman! Milli Vanilli were not attempting to be ... innovators. If you're looking for an act that was keen to avoid accusations that they were repeating themselves, look elsewhere. Take, for example, their copious sampling of the "Ashley's Roachclip" drum loop. It would take me less time to name the rappers who haven't sampled the "Ashley's Roachclip" drum loop than the rappers who have (here's the Wikipedia page); the two songs I personally associate the most with the sample are Eric B. and Rakim's "Paid in Full" and P.M. Dawn's "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss." Well, Milli Vanilli sampled it not once, not twice, but thrice. They were like the stoner roommate who orders the same kind of pizza every night. Their goal was not diversity; their goal was enjoyment. Milli Vanilli knew they liked this sample. They knew their listeners liked this sample. Why change samples?! The thing is, on both "Girl You Know It's True" and "Baby Don't Forget My Number," the sample serves the same exact function: it signals a momentum shift out of the comparatively stiffer verses and into the funkier, zippier choruses. And I want to take them to task for repeating the trick, except ... God damn, it works like a charm both times. (Side note: Girl, I'll bet you didn't know that "Girl You Know It's True" is actually a cover version.)
Here's the part of this whole twisted saga that I still don't get: the singing kinda sounds generic anyway! It's not like the inimitable vocal stylings of Charles Shaw and Brad Howell really made the songs soar (I'd say it was more the utterly shameless bubblegum hooks - "Baby Don't Forget My Number" might have the best "bah bah bah bah" refrain since the Turtles' "Happy Together"). Hell, half the time, at least on "Girl You Know It's True" and "Baby Don't Forget My Number," they're basically speak-singing. Honestly, I could've sang this shit. What I'm saying is, why go through all the trouble of having a giant lip-syncing scandal just to slap some faceless R&B dudes onto the final product? They really didn't think this thing through, did they?
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