The Ant In My Thai Food

Just a few days ago, I found myself eating a reasonably satisfying plate of Thai Chicken Fried Rice in a local establishment that shall remain nameless. I did not have much time to dine, considering that I needed to be on my way shortly, and thus I was chowing down at a rather brisk pace. Which is why the sight of an ant crawling up the piece of cilantro on my plate didn't give me as much pause as it might have otherwise. "Hmmm," I thought to myself. "Should I say something? Or should I just flick it off and keep eating? Maybe it's not the restaurant's fault. Maybe he just crawled onto the plate from the table. Hell, maybe he was in my own hair, and maybe I was the source of the ant, not the restaurant." Since I really didn't have any time to waste, I simply flicked the ant off and continued eating. I could not avoid parsing the remainer of my food very carefully with a fork, of course. But on the whole, one bad ant doesn't spoil the whole bunch, as they say.

Two ants, however, might be more likely to spoil the bunch, which is why the second ant really threw me for a loop. Again, he was crawling up the cilantro, and again, I attempted to flick him off. I tried hard to justify my continued consumption of this meal. "Maybe it's the same ant," I thought. "Maybe I thought I flicked him off before, but I didn't." Any more time wasted at this table and I would be late. And the truth is, the rest of the fried rice still looked pretty good, and I was still hungry, and hey, I was paying for it, so I might as well do my best to clear the plate. I couldn't help but sense a small itch in my throat. Maybe an ant was crawling around the entrance to my esophagus. Suddenly I had visions of a frat boy ant, joyously swinging from my tonsils, drunkenly slurring "Louie Louie," having the time of his life. I tried to swallow with extra vigor. I drank excessive sips of water. Eventually I just figured, "Hey, extra protein." I left a reasonable tip and hightailed it out of there.

Call me generous.