But You Can't Dub A Red Stapler

I rarely watch movies on cable, and a couple of days ago I was reminded of why I do not. I was flipping through channels when I suddenly stumbled upon a bit of Office Space. Was it TNT? Comedy Central? E!? No matter. What does matter is that it made me realize how much a well-placed curse word can really add to the impact of a finely-honed comedic film. Or, by the same token, how much a poorly-dubbed curse word can really zap the appeal of a finely-honed comedic film. For example: take the classic scene in which wannabe frat boy co-worker Drew provides Peter with sudden doubts about his girlfriend. Here is how the scene plays in the theatrical release:

Drew: Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: Hmmm. Who's she here with?
Peter Gibbons: She's with me.
Drew: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: All right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on... Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
Peter Gibbons: Why is that, Drew?
Drew: Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right?
Peter Gibbons: She does, does she?
Drew: Oh, yeah. Like a record.
Peter Gibbons: Like, with who?
Drew: Oh, let's see, uh... Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.

Now here is the last part of that scene as it plays out on cable television:

Drew: Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right?
Peter Gibbons: She does, does she?
Drew: Oh, yeah. Like a record.
Peter Gibbons: Like, with who?
Drew: Oh, let's see, uh... Hell, Lumbergh had her.

"Had" her? "Had" her? I can't work with that. Now take the scene in which the three main protagonists are hatching their plan to install an embezzling virus into the computer system at Initech. The theatrical release version:

Peter Gibbons: [discussing the possibility of going to prison] This isn't Riyadh. You know they're not gonna saw your hands off here, alright? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! ... Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yes.
Michael Bolton: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.

Now the cable TV version:

Peter Gibbons: Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yes.
Michael Bolton: Slime. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.

"Slime"? "Slime"? Really now. I have the feeling that not even eight-year-olds use "slime" as an expletive anymore.

In some cases the dubbing is so creative it almost becomes an extra joke. Cable has turned Michael Bolton's "We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white-collar resort prison, no, no, no, we're going to federal pound me in the ass prison" into "We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white-collar resort prison, no, no, no, we're going to federal pound me into ash prison." Pound me into ash, eh? Sounds like a pretty rough prison. Sure wouldn't want to be pounded into ash.

I never realized how integral profanity was to a movie, even to a seemingly inoffensive, reasonably intellectual comedy such as Office Space, until I watched it on cable. Cable even ruins the poetic last scene in which Peter finds some redemptive solace in his new construction job. He declares, "This isn't so bad, huh? Makin' bucks, gettin' exercise, workin' outside." His delightfully uncouth neighbor (and new co-worker) Lawrence exclaims, "Fuckin' A." Peter takes a long, deep breath and replies, in a comically formal tone, "Fuckin' ... A." Cable turns this into:

Peter Gibbons: This isn't so bad, huh? Makin' bucks, gettin' exercise, workin' outside.
Lawrence: Freakin' A.
Peter Gibbons: [nods] Freakin' ... A.

They even massacred the ending. Freakin' A.