Yoggoth's Top 5 Albums Of The '90s

Number Five: DJ Shadow's Endtroducing... (1996)

I usually find most electronica/hip-hop/'90s dance music really boring and monotonous but this guy's OK because he's white and he's from Davis like me. According to Wikipedia, this is the first album to be constructed entirely out of samples, which might explain why it has absolutely no individual personality at all. This album is so relaxing. I love to just put this album on and sit in my room and drink Jagermeister and download child porn all day. That is the life, let me tell you.

Number Four: Belle & Sebastian's If You're Feeling Sinister (1996)

This band has violins and xylophones and stuff, and I can't really understand what they're saying half the time because they're Scottish and I haven't read the lyric sheet because it takes too much effort, so I like the songs for arbitrary reasons. For example, I don't know what "Stars of Track and Field" is about but I used to have a crush on this girl on the track team and she said hi to me once, which was the highlight of my year, so I like that song. I also really relate to that song "Judy and the Dream of Horses," except instead of horses I dream of little girls - but not all of them are named Judy.

Number Three: The Magnetic Fields' 69 Love Songs (1999)

This guy is really clever and he actually takes the time to write stuff and publish it eventually; I can't really relate to that approach but I admire it nonetheless. I borrowed this album from a blogger friend of mine two years ago and I still have it, and every now and then I take out the devilishly witty booklet and rub it all over myself in feverish agony. There are songs about almost every aspect of love you could think of, but the absence of any songs about pedophilia is a bit of a disappointment.

Number Two: My Bloody Valentine's Loveless (1991)

This album sounds like whales. The album cover is all blurry and pink and it makes me think of the mystery of the universe. I listen to that song "Only Shallow" and I imagine I'm a cool space wanderer in a superhero outfit. The guy took three years to record it, and he keeps saying that the follow-up album is "almost ready" and that he'll release it "any time now" but he's said that for about twenty years, so I can really relate to his style of saying he's going to do something but never actually doing it.

Number One: Pavement's Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain (1994)

Stephen Malkmus is my sex idol. I have a big poster of him in my room and I lay back and stare up at his sexy indie-rock body and I think happy thoughts. Every time he sings "When they pull out the plugs and they snort up the drugs" I get a little tingly feeling in my nether-regions, and when he declares "Say goodnight to the last psychedelic band" I have to be restrained by the police because otherwise I would engage in lewd acts with anything that walked. It's too bad Malkmus is over 18 though; otherwise it would simply be perfect.