Magic 8 Ball Predicts 49ers and Raiders Victories

Is there a more cherished icon of classic American kitsch than the Magic 8 Ball? I mean really now? I was hanging out with my roommate a couple of nights ago, and there in his room, resting on the ironing board, was the legendary soothsaying device in question. I said, "OK, let's try this thing out," and I handed it to him. He turned it upside down, and with the appropriate gravitas, shook it and asked, "Will Obama be the next president of the United States?" The 8 Ball's response: "It is certain." You heard it here first, folks.

Then I did one. "Will the Milwaukee Brewers...make the playoffs?" The 8 Ball's reply: "Don't count on it." Indeed, given the team's recent September slide, I'd say the 8 Ball might be on the mark with that one.

My roommate took another shot. "Will Obama...win Ohio?" "Outlook good." "All right, I'm liking these answers," my roommate observed.

My turn again. "Has McCain ever had...a penis...in his ass?" "Reply hazy, try again." We both groaned in frustration.

My roommate went political one last time. "Will Sarah Palin...help McCain...win the election?" "It is certain." We looked at each other in puzzlement. How could both Obama and McCain win the election? The 8 Ball was giving us conflicting answers!

"How about some football questions," I said. My roommate gritted his teeth. "Will the Cleveland Browns...win the Super Bowl?" "My reply is no." "OK, that sounds about right," he said.

I then asked, "Will the Raiders...win the Super Bowl?" "Don't count on it."

My roommate grabbed it back and shook it rather vehemently. "Will the Raiders...win a game this year?" "Signs point to yes." "Damn." He paused in thought, then shook even harder. "Will the Niners...win a game this year?" "You may rely on it." "All right, all right, those were stupid questions," he admitted.

And yet little did we know how quickly the 8 Ball's prophecy would prove to be correct! I mean, hell, after the 49ers fell behind 14-0 in the first five minutes against the Seahawks I was pretty much like, "So...which week are we playing the Rams again?" Suddenly I tune in an hour later and it's 27-20 with the Niners ahead. Come again? Final score 33-30 - Niners win. Did I mention that this was the Seahawks? In Seattle? Let's hear it for former UC Davis quarterback J.T. O'Sullivan, who became the first Niners QB to throw for more than 300 yards in a game since 2004. I suppose throwing for more than 300 yards in a game isn't supposed to be particularly rare, but as Colonel Dryden says in Lawrence of Arabia, "Big things have small beginnings, sir." As for the Raiders beating the Chiefs, well, the Chiefs stink anyway.

Of course, we neglected to ask the 8 Ball if the Niners and Raiders would win more than one game this season. But sometimes it's best not to ask the 8 Ball too much.